my first poem
was me crying when i was born
and the best criticism i could receive
was the the doctor slapping me
consequence based poetry
opposing direction
as an omen
reduced to
‘lie down and sleep,’
maybe
cry about it
allow my future punishments
to be discreet
since we are hysterical about the future
addressing luxury
by showering twice a day
insurance.aes256
should the proof reveal itself as
being spectacular
a coffee stain that resembles
mother mary magdalene
if you squint
webmd says
weird discolored bruise like spot
under my eye
is cancer
and i should probably
see a licensed medical professional
i close the tab and google
david lynch transcendental meditation
tips and tricks
24 hour
non-stop
commodifiable
people
nous nous devons à la mort
we owe ourselves to death
‘a stupid person’
my problem is that i put class war before the other concerns.
working class theatre
dressing down
co-opting vintage
even bars are ruined
i’m not describing gentrification
ataraxia,
the absence of trouble
the urge to run away to the east coast and live a ‘simple life’
is as strong as the desire to stay here
various forms of fate, i’m saying
my image must persist
by using an abstraction
to hide the motive
a commune of books and house records
efficacy,
memory
freedom isn’t free,
they tell me
the tendency towards the total artwork
as beautiful as ever
utopia,
meaning ‘no-place’
doing nothing detox
cynical obsessions
your
windowsill-gazing
flower-pot
poetry
as virtue
the algorithm
in today’s terms
something vulgar
i cannot stop the machine
so,
instead,
i buy nikes
and complain
‘the greatest art is to endure’
not getting by
not getting by
repetitive stress injury
time well spent
nostalgia,
memory
noticing
grass,
trees,
water ripples
because i’m forced to
however
mythify everything
you put on paper
you write the world different
when you’re in love
this,
the original
nude-descending-a-staircase
slant truth on faux punk
gauzed into emotional reserve
if i’m speaking directly
stabbing syntax because
i’m tired
or because that’s
the tone of my voice
i’m too disinterested
to live like a dog
and admit it
vanishing into an office job
in telecommunications
or something
double-vision
industrial landscape
with rain on the glass
looks like it’s CGI to me
still, it’s easier to think of
sierra nevada
as a universally accepted
‘better place’
though i’ve never been there
but the city name
sounds warm
i could paint the landscapes
of sierra nevada
and label it as
self-care
i’d probably wind up in a hotel
knowing me
winding up
somewhere shitty
my ideal location
is a city
built on a fault line
or
a city that could be swallowed
by it’s surrounding body of water
a city that loves baseball and drugs
foggy, raining, indoor cities
even my fantasies
betray me
epistaxis,
a nose bleed
arguing the scale and
the necessity of change
‘small is beautiful,’
allegedly
with a massive pool of resources
working together
as an unbalanced equation
because there is no
equal work
classifying,
to classify
21.59cm
27.94cm
by definition
the list will never
be truly finished
the self-portrait in ruins
to disappear,
to make time pass
turning our back on truth
for our purposes
a protest against mourning
and again, i find myself crushed on paper.
‘parapraxis’
a slip of the tongue
worth looking into
no, i’d rather not
i would prefer not to
a letter from you, to me:
sucking tears
always sucking tears
“if i cannot say
‘i love you,’
i am lost.”
the indifference of good men
are you busy?
can you do me a favor and
describe my face?
it’s for a poem i’m working on
dinner reservations?
what time?
we’ll decide when we get there
drop our stuff off, go to the gallery
that is why we’re going,
after all
i don’t want to be envied
i want to be feared
feared?
delete that,
start over
life is too brief
too uncertain
edit, revise, cut the fact
remove what you don’t need,
i mean
quit job, live cheap, excessive or whatever
read, ride bike, go to the beach, sit on the grass
i wish i learned the violin when i was younger
more malleable
calling everyone
“my brother”
or
“my friend”
i labor over pdfs
with the lakers game on
given some hint
of good will
or intention
by virtue
or the void of virtue
sure,
we buy fruits
and veggies
that go soft before eating -
because that’s just who we are!
i don’t want -
uh -
a renaissance -
jouissance -
august green -
amsterdam -
or otherwise!
‘obsessed’
re-adjusting
the chair height
to get a better view
of myself in the mirror
time smoothes everything out
like photoshop
key sky gass blue
don’t tread on me
without enthusiastic consent
i check my privilege
in the wine bar bathroom
hypebeast lookbook grailed falll winter 2019
fuck yeah
i check my box-logo privilege and
it looks good
the beach beyond
the premium snapchat paywall
kamala harris
the cop
tells me to
put brakes on my fixie
bernie tells her
to mind her own business
and we crush a white claw
together
while listening to bob dylan
on 180 gram audiophile vinyl
he says he can tell the difference
i am unsure but agree regardless
ddos the drum circle
the filthy casuals
an hero,
i mean
area 51+1
you + i
4 the lulz
“i’m really about to explode,
would you just listen to me
for two minutes?!”
now i am aware
of my speech patterns
summarizing chaos as intimacy
as i drift into a perfect sleep
detached from the subject of control
i think that my next life will be quiet
it will be quiet in my next life
if only there was a way
to capitalize on my
psychic misery
as a series of cumulative achievements
i realize i’m always me
i’m me,
warped in a carnival mirror
me, staring at myself in a front-facing camera
trying to make myself look appealing
less like me
i think of porn when my head hurts
porn is advil
or a walk
or rearranging a space
in a desirable manner
i jack off instead
of drinking chamomile tea
that’s just the kind of person
i am
i guess you call this love,
i call it service
eating as become little more than utility -
there is nothing I crave
i was listening to quiet music
in my private time
i was thinking of the end of the world
things i like doing
and things i feel guilty about
walking
buying books and records
things that would keep me home despite the fact that i don’t care much for
being home
how bad am i at killing myself
i love walking but it feels like a waste of time
i guess i’m glad i don’t own anything valuable
to anybody but me
i’m on a mission
without time
or space
i am governed by
specific sexual urges
in complete disregard
for tradition
my heart beats continually
while you sleep
if i find myself sitting idle
i’m probably staring at my phone
ambient lights out
as the situation crumbles
in a familiar bar
it has to have a plot
first person plural
mystical tendencies
repeating:
freedom,
blue,
repulsion
taking pleasure in everything
imperfect incompletely transformed
the artist was too busy making money to comment
a self-help book
the obsessive ideal
intersecting at miraculous
and undocumented fields
i die in a vulgar style
“by the grace of god”
i don’t dream
i fall asleep and wake up five hours later
i have reoccurring nightmares
i wake up yelping
some nights i feel the bad dream before i fall asleep
a hazy feeling and ‘i just know’
i generally welcome these night terrors
as unsettling as they may be in the moment
they work me up in way that nothing else does
these days
most days
i’m content
to never leave the bunker
i’ve lost most of my id and i never carry a wallet
i don’t believe in voting
but i still check the polling numbers with a sense of excitement
i said
“all votes are a vote for cops”
life is just funny that way
game 3, okc vs trailblazers
where i wasn’t invested in either team
but i loved watching quad overtime
the real is now so unreal
everything happens for a moment
and is moved away with ease
we tessellate into a new concern
leaving the previous form
resting behind
a piece behind glass
in an art gallery
funny, that way
loving you is
a hot shower
on a cold day
while you shout at me
from the kitchen
about something i did
or forgot to do
i love the calm now
i’m a godspeed you
coney island
of the mind
kind of guy
me
contest the totality
complete self-destruction
le desordre c’est moi
chaos is me
all the watches stop when the first brick was thrown
one suffers so the other can thrive
who on earth
do you think you are?
with your
late-in-life urgency
apocalypse scenarios
escapist fantasies
what are you saying
when you scream apologizes
over the phone before
hanging up
hey! attention!
i love you!
or,
well,
that’s what the translation says
i put my phone
on airplane mode
because i know
it makes you mad
ride or die
being slang
for solidarity
“i think i’m losing it”
and
“i’m going to be late”
right now
to go away means
to lose all the perks
in this new territory
blue color uncertainty
it starts raining
to break up the repetition
of the day
physical evidence in the story
no more drugs!
no more drugs!
as i google
alternatives to dexedrine
no more drugs!
i wonder if i could get
generic sildenafil shipped to
a p.o. box
ok, no more drugs!
i’m just going to take two of
my wife’s adderall
she won’t notice
but i can’t do drugs
again
all blondes are sunset drawn
a seven or eight
in a smaller city
fox
in all quaking magic
or song
slips from bed 7’oclocked
front-door open
out-stepping
first week in
springtime heat
shirtsleeves in sunshine
agreed
making bike rides
a little longer
for when
fox
does the sun stop
exciting you
so quick to change or slip
legs underneath
you’re woke up
yourself
(how many) first time in 13 days
stuck in patterned known
repeat, i am
known for such opposing things
expensive jeans
clinging to rainy-day legs
the meaning is somewhere
around this
rubbed denim raw
and it’s february
and it’s the same
as last february
so it’s cool, yeah, i mean
whatever
it’s a tough situation
and i understand you’re trying
to get me on a level plane
but i still feel a subtle insulting forwardness
and i understand that this whole upfront aggression
is sort-of your deal
but i guess this specific instance
is kinda rude
i think you jumped on the sly and unassuming bandwagon
a little too late
receeding into fall back
every day low prices
shocked to see that there is a place for me
somewhere
in the less popular
work week
aggressive glasses guy
breath a sigh of relief with your storebought
scent still clinging to sheets
my really good move:
explain and then shoulder-bump-into
hold hands
it’ll be cold soon, jackets mandatory by 9:30
no way, it’s supposed to be 20 degrees tomorrow
but it’s going to be cold today, i just feel it
it doesn’t
staccato lip presses
kisses that go in quick and deep and turns face away quick
cut your hair and change your luck
voulpte
bad faith
phantom suggestion
i don’t know the ropes
it remains severe
again intolerable
practicality
uncomfortable seating arrangement side by side
or side by across from
too close but that usually seems not no too close for comfort
either lost it or never had it ever
she has the sincerity of an empty room
too much truth
after all
what pleasure can be found in repetition except
the repetition of repeating the thing itself
and then you remember why
not repeating yourself is a good thing
ah, i’ve gone vulgar again
no more pencil marked pockets
or ironing pants for no-one
“the love from which i suffer is a shameful disease
if not reasonably mine
the undomesticated cat in my back pocket
“i have always defended the skies of my youth”
so many silences per hour
(better to not think about it)
put on some piano music,
said no-one
ever
‘you have got a lot of nerve!’
you’re more remembered as photographs
(or loss)
in the many years before
fundamental no-love letters
my lecturing on the war was not well received
don’t think anybody noticed beyond me being
petrified of being alive
after hours
i can win almost any argument on leftovers
settling at the back of my fridge
since it’s how i like to think of myself
anyways
(brought home just to be
tossed away)
the flaneur and the stalker
the product of a particular time
the meeting point of a number of ideas
a tale of two cities, i’m joking
i rarely stray these days
entirely colored with occult engagement
concerned with terms and agreements
demanding opposition noticed
finding a place to begin is a problem
among problems
the present recording
an excavation of the past
as i rebrand in a popular form
demonstrating political spirit
as urgently required
allow me to start here
starting fresh
ushering in a new-age mystery
an esoteric counterbalance
throughout the landscape
a burial ground focal point
seeing angels in a tree
k-i-s-s-i-don’t-know-what-that-is-supposed-to-mean
reporting back from the bounds
of everyday experience
but the dream still persists
giving myself over to more
systematic modes of thought
gin lime rocks tonic
symbolizing murder in the
public imagination
i believe in the promise
of experiences found
closer to home
sober, deliberate
against the backdrop
of actual content
should i be concerned
if i find you glowing?
if i read your name
in the pattern of every carpet?
aligning as facts
beyond coincidence
poor circulation
for secret beauty is cold feet
and hands
avoiding touch
revealing the source of my inspiration
the lure of the foreign
rendered redundant
slacker to silent poet
as constant as ever
observant in habit
and tradition
salvaging playful practice
and subverting continued pursuit
an idealized figure
in an idealized city
the color blue
a close up of a person
until they blur into
nothing familiar
the symbolism of a river
the specific methodology
of experimental behavior
dressed, rather than undressed
falling in love with the scheme of things
an erotic joy
that doesn’t exist
in any french translated novel
that i’m aware of
enthusiasm manifests as alcohol
as a return to form
sweating through my
section of the bedsheets
experience revealed
in the expanse of the ruins
no reason to hurry
so i wander until i feel better
as a lover of subtleties
i’ll send my regards
as a professional courtesy
if i am to focus
on something significant
the aura decays
as possibilities persist
a sequence of meaning
approaching
ritualized practice
i mean -
nothing is more beautiful
than that which
is absolutely
essential
something professional
legs in nylon
or lace
the magician maintains
the hand moves in a manner
indicating
‘something is happening’
but i can not be sure what
an unconscious impulse
to cover my face
poor social conduct
derails the focus back to me
and the romance remains
discreet
the epic poem
is a boring companion
with no tactile attractiveness
demanding tragedy
sounding boring
a black screen of infinity
again
repeating
i don’t want to stray
too far
from something erotic
so i will recall
one of my fantasies:
we read books and fuck on the couch
and we do this with frequency
eventually i’ll die
but we’d have spent a lot of time together
and we’d both be smarter
at the end
everything real is
remembered
looking to the whole,
you told me
“maybe”
every moment in detail
technique,
the technical problems
of this style of writing
the practice,
not value
not a problem
i am not a complete person yet
appearing ‘redacted’ in
recent reports
reduced to eating chocolate
in the kitchen
saturated in media savvy
representing
a broad illusion of control
while you help me write
my book
everything real is
remembered
looking to the whole,
you told me
“maybe”
every moment in detail
technique,
the technical problems
of this style of writing
the practice,
not value
not a problem
tasting disaster
hot party girl borderline
she drinks tea
from a bowl
like they do in france
it drives me crazy
we’re not in france,
use a cup
or whatever
a conversation exchanged
through bulletproof glass
with three small dots between us
“arrest that doctor,”
law and order: svu
on amazon prime tv
on a ps4
“arrest that doctor for forging prescriptions”
i look up from reading sontag
and snorting your adderall
“damn, that’s crazy”
tell me who you think i am
and that’s what you’ll get
from me
i do not want to catch up
over drinks
i want to read and
be quiet
i laugh the loudest
i’m always ready to share
because
if one of us wins,
then we all win
all the artists
even the punk ones
wear air jordans
too
why the fuck do i want to paint
if i also want the world to end
who are you pretending to be
no, not really
cruelty, in it’s purest form,
seems like the most authentic emotion
no?
ambiguity, maybe?
la scandaleuse
the scandalous one
anemic on the beach
tired and weak
fidgety and cold
in an airplane seat
that’s awful
that’s the point
that’s not the way
i do things
you weaponize kisses
on top of everything else
you breathe hot
on my eyelids
you know how to use these tools
yielding to my
novice knowledge
you see how heavy a horse is?
from tip to toes
working backwards on a chalkboard
this works on paper, too
justice,
terror,
and
mercy
abandonment
enhances crimes
as we desire
to remain anonymous
seeking discipline
in empty gestures
pushing back with
increased resistance
the barrier being
time,
distance,
and its synonyms
‘i have the proof,
you’ll have your revenge’
no longer on a personal level
you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
i stopped reading
to send memes
and twisted my ankle
in a haunted house
i should take drugs
to make me nice
and focused
and successful
now, while i consider myself
reformed,
or perhaps -
well,
reframed
referencing collateral murder
going unnoticed as just
‘doing my job’
that which is recorded
cascading into
awareness
“the facts”
dead or dying
describing these as “old”
that which i cannot control
trivial repeated emphasis
crushed by destiny
as it was already written
watching out the window until the big boy panhandling
suddenly disappears
but to where?
tending to dry skin and trying not to repeat myself
moisturize, plagiarize
all snowballs melt before tea time
dog bites exposed calf muscles
if mentioned
i could be as jealous
as the long love later on lay down
as jealous as the days on a calendar you own
saying
you belong to the east coast this week
i’m not sure if they follow the gregorian calendar there
who could love a mussolini of the body
or a stalin of the soul
or worse
a god of your extra time
i can’t guess what parts of your day are reserved
or kissed on the clock face
tough luck, they say
no exchanges
just be happy there’s no spit on your life burger
i was going to write a poem about your eyebrows
but i lost my train of thought
memorizing hiroshima mon amour
double spaced pages of my love for you
me,
putting on
joke.2019.hd.rip.xify.avi
on my 15” macbook pro
with my eye on the bedroom door
as
an alt-right incel with an ar-15
or fox media loss prevention
or the ccra
or a customer representative from my internet provider
could burst through
at any time
or such is my understanding
of the situation
i don’t mean anything not memorized
no verses underlined
my speciality:
1. not being quiet
2. needy usually
3. overworked lazy or lazy overworked
4. not sure of positively anything
merit through suffering
modigliani
woman with the blue eyes
painting that talked and said
“you’ll regret it for the rest of your life”
cocaine sommelier
the report
who’s holding
who has the good stuff
higher than i think is safe
hair and beard and everything
bad
moon in cancer,
moon in leo
taking viagra as an accelerationist act
since we are hysterical about the future
there is no point
in participating
because there really is
no point
repeating lines from a film
everybody knows what you’re talking about
i’m learning to work faster
before i’m gone for good
working to code
meaning
there is already a system in place
and that new ideas
will be built on top of
those pre-existing
the only way to jettison oneself
from existence
is to work your way
out of it
life is just funny that way
‘nothing is true,
everything is permitted.’
i guess so / i hope so
nothing like y2k
marketing strategy gone feral
semi-familiar missions
and duties
my dreams are all rooted
in awful life truths
mirrors of meaningless involvement
you smell a certain way
in the morning
quiet because
i love looking at your face
it’s history
“i was been,” not
“i have been”
repeating the verb
of the main clause
after the
clause itself
i used to be skinny
and toned but
too soft for nudes now
out of season
ice in coffee
rose, peach tree
continued domestic functions
such as
doing the dishes
and laundry
you extremely calm
exchanging meaningful looks
in the mirror
knowing there are two single portions
of pre-mixed salad in the fridge
for before work
and after
easing your anxious conditions
editing the few
remaining facts
without independent verification
renaming the house
as the office
which doubles
as the studio
which holds a different function
than the office
it’s not the work,
it’s the job!
how to slow the information cycle
in new air max 95’s
using a
burner cellphone
or buy an iphone in cash
off craigslist
with a pay as you go
sim card
create a perfect plan
until a loud australian
with a man bun
wearing shorts in the winter
breaks your concentration
the more beautiful and pure a thing is, the more satisfying it is to corrupt it.
“i was been,” not
“i have been”
repeating the verb
of the main clause
after the
clause itself
if i censor it,
the whole syntax changes!
i don’t care for nature and its messes
i return to the city and shower immediately
the love of my life
doesn’t understand
why i do these things
and that’s why
why what
there are 24,000 poetry awards
with annual prizes
totaling
$6,788,800.
