Thursday, October 3, 2019

serotonin


it’s a small white oval
it’s five in the morning
or something
it’s the start of my day
my first gesture is to make coffee
i do not light a cigarette until after the first sip
my main success
an immediate violence
a perfect drug
a simple and hard no joy drug
lack and the lack of lack
i drink mineral water and i hate my name
it’s a regrettable honor
my necessary weapons in the struggle for life -
sadness, suffering
i return to opportunity and circumstance
in order to tell the truth
a ridiculous combination
elements androgynous and brutal
but not at all
really, not at all
i consider my name a vintage horror video loop
nothing is possible from
an administrative point of view
proof of my inability
to regain control of my life
of my square faced scam
it seems fairly likely that
the second part of my life
will be as painful as the first
5-htp,
antidepressants,
serotonin,
me
nausea,
loss of libido,
occasional suicidal tendencies
reduced to good neighborhoods
i have never suff ered from nausea
the story begins
sunny and extremely hot
how beautiful girls can be
drinking coke zero slowly
exaggerations, dummy
wavy red
geometric patterns
every second
god is merciful and merciful
desirable and good
prudent and wise
i’m not expressing myself well here, am i?
that which could be described as
‘punk’ or ‘rock’
i forget the diff erence
let’s say ‘punk rock’ to simplify
an accident was almost certain
it’s easier to fuck with intuition
perfect superimposed slowly
i felt happy
which means i was wrong
this being a romantic comedy
with big overacted gestures
this being a porn fi lm
predictable but the importance of the dialog lesser
the writing was hardly surprising
various moving human acts would occur
treated by the usual means
this being reality
i just went home
especially meaning
disappointing and mundane conclusions
made more obvious
we were considering projects
at a certain point
fi nishing life in a peaceful way
at the time of the apertif
from the bar to the beach
from the beach to the bar
no fuss
no confl ict
no problemo
recent history will not be useless
a high price for
love
work
emancipation
things like that
nudes
cynicism
stock options
i simplify
i must simplify or i arrive at nothing
at my age, it became
a little vague and less frequent
my version of this dream being simplifi ed
let us not anticipate immediate results
a long time
a very long time
as i have already said
for diff erent reasons
i would explain later
under a diff erent circumstance
there are people who commit suicide for less
you know
if we refuse to accept the sun
later, restaurant and romance
i manage to mimic a vague expression of satisfaction
our cheeks brush too much
life a little less unpleasant
voltaire or pascal or blaise or
the concept, anyways
aloe vera uncommon
in the opposite direction
in the end
a moment of pure dread and
it would be over
the weight of me
fast approaching rendered uncertain
paradoxical balance
absolute peace
certainly less than fi ve seconds
what’s going on?
all is well
all is well
i repeated even more gently
all
is
well
as i expected
my professional explanations seem convincing
i wrote notes
i defi ne and support
i isolate some key elements
aligning an impressive succession of failure
negotiating the same things
i make no eff ort
i maintain no illusions
i give up
there are people like me
but worse
in this paradise
the atmosphere was generally calm
i’m still wondering what she could understand
about the situation
the theory was unassailable
i was barely worthy at her feet
that was self-evident
an increasingly coarse indiff erence
to her status and mine
coming somewhat unstuck
there were certainly a lot of people she could relate to
but not her family
who would have concluded i was time to return
to where she came from
fundamental disregard for me and my destiny
eagerly seeking company
which was not so easy
a contradiction
but still
nothing happened
i can’t really remember their attitude towards me
superfi cial benevolence
but i suppose that i was only
superfi cially accessible
i believe the reality of these charms
they were like a documentary about waterfalls
i didn’t go out for coff ee
i watched the movement of the sun
across the pavement
and that was about all
the unbearable emptiness of the day
twenty-four-hours-a-day
coordination permitted yet way less
perfectly realized
hence, generally relaxed at 160km/h
straight to infi nity
almost empty
sky crushed sky
crossing a landscape of total boredom
cigarette, cigarette, falling asleep
absurd limitations
which would arouse suspicion
i kept the most magical memory
kitschy-pseudo-exotic-impossible
there were still some holes, cracks
a set of cutting pliers
turn of the alarm
and we do not talk anymore
we buy silence
obviously in these conditions
one is never safe from betrayal
showing some signs of annoyance
ready to complain in advance
she had to get up
she had to show her paperwork
a welcome cocktail it was not
a visionary policy taken to new dimensions
a little later
independently of other sometimes questionable
aspects of action
the universal spirit’s work did not stop there
could it be compared to anything?
it had to admit it was totally lacking
a decisive competitive advantage
charming tourism status
a turn, i had no doubt
there was no such thing but they could come regardless
to simplify reception formalities
it may well be that
spies from the north had become ordinary
a moment of ironic glances
i pretended not to notice
i lit a cigarette
i pretended not to notice
marginal and poorly documented
experiences convinced me
for ten minutes
nothing happened
regular coke, mineral water
i do not know
turned without a word
returned a minute later
the reading room i had already come to
everything could have gone for the better
had i not suddenly remembered
a minimal tempo preceding
our separation
our last summer
a purr
a canceled comparison
open mouth, stopped, impressed
at the foot of an immaculate
king sized bed before sitting shy
she wanted to take a picture of us both
she exlaimed ‘oh yes’ to champagne
a happiness accessible to the upper middle class
i knew she enjoyed every second of it
but it was diff erent for me
i didn’t want to go for a walk
the idea seemed profane
with reluctance i put on a jacket and fi nished my drink
it would have been bearable if i had acquired
the habit of the declaiming the composition
in swollen tone mid-literary emphasis
less interest
a signal being complicit
for the purpose, i imagine
even more regrettable
i have lived a lot worse
hell, the return to
hell, built at convenience
at the request of others,
i put out a cigarette
in a garden of hydrangeas
i hate this building and
i hate this neighborhood
but i immediately fell in love with you
i point this out intentionally
i lock myself in the bathroom
perhaps i am bourgeois, too
drawing revenge for the rent
no matter the country
no matter the culture
a luxury exists to be explained
rarely rising before noon
never there when i return
in short,
it would be enough to be organized
i guess you could say that
kissing always welcome
no regrets
no shame
no mention of it
the word is strong,
the matter urgent
i have never fucked as much in my life
which made me think she was in love with me
perhaps an error of analysis
but not a mistake
a quick internet search
a new plan for liberation
the profi le of an average defendant
on the other hand,
here are some things that i liked
“humiliated motherfuckers”
a great title for your dostoevsky trash
curiously enough,
i did not expect much
various people break off in an unpredictable way
the other end of the world without changing cities
solutions like that struck me
i spend my night on the internet
more and more convinced
i was meeting my destiny
“to come and to go”
the abandonment of family was not a crime
keeping it fundamental is fundamental to me
everything kept in a separate account
amounting to not much
affi rmative,
desolate,
complicit,
modest
i had noticed
i had invented fi ction
it was necessary to be realistic
while we still were having a good time
you press my hand
no matter which path we take
in less than a day,
i was canceled without a trace
rebellion of moral conscious
as described by a playwright
how original
i was gone for good
i would never come back
the acquired sensation
of an unadulterated product
the beauty maintained
by infi nite artifacts
i count ways to be considered immortal
but i stop at nine
i count eighteen diff erent creams and lotions in the bathroom
an obsession for maniacs
with a superior mouth
ipso facto deprived of action
authentic
taken without diffi culty
giving pleasure without distinction
into a state of narcissistic intoxication
cursed artists
cultural decision makers
rather young
rather beautiful
rather elegant
rather rich
it is diffi cult to fi nd the words
‘that’s life’
i off er a clarifi cation on love
as it may be misunderstood
based on attitude and behavior
lovable = love
in radically diff erent realities
love = power
imposing natural phenomena
love at fi rst sight
eliminating all traces of previous individuals
passion and pleasure demanded
until death
the body, the soul
almost a detail
infi nity
this infi nity
this glorious infi nity
even if i ignore the other joys
sex remains dangerous
a necessary condition
stillless
catholic identity spends the night
a strange aberration
identical movement and reluctance
my refl ection deepens
without being excessive
coldly objective judgment by
short lived circumstance
virility and vanity had suff ered
our verbal exchange lasted longer
it was then i understood
in a fraction of a second i understood
the other words of an absence of love
immense
bright white
annihilates me in clear conscious
google does not intervene at this stage
i would forget it very quickly
she remained a woman
i remained a cat
i had a bad night
an interpretation of this stupid but spectacular dream:
escape quietly
i place the keys in an envelope
like you might see in a fi lm
no letter
no picture
no proof
just 1100 grams of macbook air
there was indeed a solution
for romance
when confronted with a case of genuine love
you should just shut your mouth
your gestures
your sighs
exclusively for me
i surrender
a hypothetical, hypothetical heaven
a rapidly evolving
crazy love story
often proving fatal
wishing to hold hands
until the end
our history
our browser history
nothing disappears
at exactly seven o’clock
i crossed the room without making a noise
now deserted thoroughfares
southeast of no importance
‘the happy hour’
green hell,
malibu,
vodka,
milk,
pineapple juice,
creme de menthe
a desire for synthesis
before asking for my visa
it’s clear i occupy too much space
safe from other needs
without relatives
without friends
without interest
profoundly disappointed in life
experienced on the sentimental plane
i could make a fresh start
i could bounce back
at the bottom of the list
of reasons to live,
more reasons to die
was i able to be happy?
i didn’t think i was able to be happy
was i able to be happy?
it is better to avoid asking yourself
this kind of question
do-not-disturb
do-not-interfere
nothing superior
in my truly urban life
am i really that unhappy?
if asked about my mood
i wouldn’t say a sad-sadness
but a peaceful, stabilized sadness
that could not be increased or diminished
we could consider it defi nitive
still, life holds many surprises
by most standards
things aren’t that bad
all the problems that belong to me
have solutions
except this anxiety thing
more attention and care
one-to-two-weeks
to feel the fi rst eff ects
mockingbirds, cherries
new generation antidepressants
no, death doesn’t interest me
after all,
a lizard doesn’t trust other lizards
and
what self esteem could an amoeba possess?
the conclusion was confused and approximate
even showering felt violent
what drove me here?
was it vitamins or long dark hair?
drugs that work (or not)
love develops on the basis of
certain diff erence
we speak the same words
intended to understand
unconditional and sustainable
the last and most serious love
defi nitely
the last and most serious love
charming, charming, charming
me, the strong urge to sneeze
to burst
not a tropical disease
i just close my eyes
until the feeling escapes me
a very little weight compared
to the goodness of the heart
at the end of a dusty summer afternoon
one could feel the stains
simply wash away
turn to me, smiling
tell me you love me in french
tell me you love me
“stay like two,
i beg you.
stay that way,
that’s all we’re going to do”
the story can’t end here
the last few seconds exaggerated
tell me you love me in french
tell me you love me
tell me
in particular
her voice sounds like an answering machine
we always end up interested in the expense
not again,
never again
dissatisfi ed
historical conditions are simply not met
maybe i don’t care
maybe i don’t know
not seeking to conceal the diff erence
i don’t want to fuck and
i don’t want to be fucked
“glossy eroticism”
crossed by the irresistible urge
to fuck you
that’s what happens in our daily life
a road block
nihilism greeted with enthusiasm
i was conscious of being more delicate
documenting good lies
borrowing elements from reality
this concept of praise
where i found myself
i had an ideal and i was betraying it
there was no question
the opposite must be done
like amateur porn
if absolutely nothing new
an appropriate mix of
professionalism and enthusiasm
not disturbed by meaning
the idea had come to me
it was not a question of organizing
but a tourism of memory
the imagination on the table
rendezvous infi nitely reproducible
i am speaking about the past
i am lucky, it is not the same
it was dead, it would never be the same
suicide, i mean
i’m not considering
but sometimes god was
a little slow to remind me
deep inside
that’s what i thought
there was no clean break between us
no defi nitive clean break
too much extra work
i had never thought everything was said
i’m ashamed to re-think
remarkable hindsight
in the eyes of a greek philosopher
epicurean, stoic, cynical
i forget which one
which was rare enough to be emphasized
in the space of a few minutes
i began to wonder if this was a good idea
not leading to anything positive
only to awaken
feelings of bitterness and disappointing
which we had, after a lapse of years
more or less succeeded in burying
life was bitter and disappointing
we both already knew that
was it worth the taxi and the bar tab
to get an extra confi rmation?
what would become of you?
probably nothing brilliant or
i would have already known
myself,
my facts and failures
were less well-defi ned despite
feeling like a failure so far
this is how i see it
a meeting of two losers
and former lovers
with the appropriate actors
it could be a great scene
in a french fi lm
i arrive
a painful reminder of the promise of happiness
which has frustrated your life
a more realistic thought:
it’s probably the same state
every day at the same time
so you haven’t changed at all
nothing has worked out
trembling more and more
you drink fast
and you?
a burden living like that
on a sentimental level
the words work magic
marinating in ample female meditations
readjusting me discreetly
again, i white-wine wonder
there must be something other than sex
or no, it was scary to think
there was only sex
“massive doses”
of antidepressants
it’s the tokyo approach
it was probably already written for this reason
we live under the infl uence of uncertainty
the path that we made fallaciously,
not every day is raining
coincidences are the winks of god
returned to photo albums
without a new start
something short, semi-sheer
should i say something else
in this jail
i stick to instant coff ee
one forgets happiness
that’s fate for ya
the opposite of what you want
wanting to know more
in some ways, the resentful gestures seduce me
i forgot to tell you, my love
i have very little luck
i was in no position to save anyone
i just have green tea
and fraternal compassion
and a longing to stick my nose
in the con of death
certainly, you’ll die alone
certainly, you’ll die unhappy
but you will certainly not die poor
to each according to his needs
a source of fi ghting when put into practice
my fate had been noticeably softened
i had to develop a long-term addiction
from time to time
a promise to act without delay
my google search history
not very useful, not very bad
still, progress pounding on two wheels
still, i want to smash everything
i fi nd it diffi cult to remember names and faces
i never think about anybody for more than a minute
all the blues were softened
by the time we arrived
perhaps this was our geographical destiny
a place to serve as a frame
from beginning to end
a temporary look
her indiff erence occupying
a whole section of the wall
i have the impression you don’t believe it
i don’t know, what gives you that idea
marked with tension
marked with pain
it was obviously a diffi cult day
it was a mistake
but not a very serious one
this was overdue
after all
it’s what happens at the end that counts
your sentimental side is showing
we go under the serene sky
the same bright blue you knew
the more i try to do things right
the less i get out of it
who can respond to that?
the situation seemed unlikely to improve
it was diffi cult for me to talk
because i forgot which side i was on
i left under a brilliant sunday sun
which contrasted with my increased sadness
it seemed surprising to me to remember my sadness now
we would like there to be premonitions or signs
but in general there are none
nothing on this
sunny dead sunny afternoon
nothing would let me predict
that monday morning would be
the beginning of the best years of my life
i have to approach this diff erently
november noticeably sadder
that vital stake had already been fi xed
i had no reasons to leave
but it’s already, in itself,
a serious reason
to confess one’s absolutely loneliness
is not so easy
i begin to think of diff erent destinations
where loneliness is not only normal
but recommended
yes, let’s go back
before this
this being the best solution
i was going to learn
i had no desire to see a psychiatrist again
excuse me, it’s a bad habit
i’m the fi rst at a disadvantage
for the depressive, it’s often fatal
if you’re forgetful or stupid
easily fooled
a certain amount for a certain time
the problem with you is the problem of you
you cannot stop abruptly
if it must happen you must know
desire,
everything disappeared inside us
the idea of kissing me seems absurd
my manifestation of love
destroys itself and regenerates
it doesn’t really concern me
i made the mistake but
whether or not it was a mistake
remains to be seen
i’ll only know at the end
it’s true, the end is approaching
but it is not yet
no, not quite yet
i wandered without language
only imprecise ideas memorized
a kind-of extra life
you run towards me
at the limit of your lung capacity
we were together
the idea of life, living
didn’t exist
no longer existed
it doesn’t make sense to talk about it
i know happiness
i mean, i know what it is
and what i lack in speech
healthy romantic violence
is me missing you
one person missing you
one misses the other
perfect for the purpose of
reducing the wear and tear of time
absolutely nothing can reach us
except internal suff ering
the disintegration of self
yet my body behaves for you
i did not derive any pleasure from my loneliness
not from the free functioning of a predicted spirit
in principle the question is solvable without hassle
without dangers
no matter how much you tell me otherwise
not romantic
you leave me with nothing
just a perpetuation of lack
a call to oblivion
i need love and love in a very precise form
i need love exactly
in general
in particular
i need a cat
remove me from your thoughts
at the same platform at the same station we stood on
sunny something morning
seven or nine years ago
i don’t know
the situation in itself was strange
it is important, however,
not to exaggerate the importance of chance
the same thing would have happened
if we met somewhere else
but it turns out it happened here
the sharpness of my perception has increased markedly
which constitutes a case of bizarre precognition
i thought of herbs and of plants with yellow fl owers
names of which i had forgotten
she looked at me
i looked at her
absolutely everything
i felt so calm
calm that i have never known
i nodded like a happy idiot
but she showed no reaction of impatience
or surprise at my stillness
it had been a year since i noticed the morning sun
the sky blue unreal turquoise
she gave me a strange look
diffi cult to interpret
a mixture of incomprehension
and a kind of compassion
living together
justifying the obvious
it rains here most of the time
but the view is just you
who else did i have patience for?
hesitating to sleep
holding back to the ultimate last second
knowing the night will be sweet
see you in the morning
see you in my dreams
i do not believe it’s wrong to compare sleep to love
love is just a dream, anyways
small conjunctions amid crossing
any way to transform
our earthly existence to a bearable moment
things did not happen as i expected
the outside world imposed its presence
with it’s brutality
ceaselessly careless
panic and misunderstanding
she knew how to make a demonstration of proof
to make me not forget it
she hugged me, squeezed me
unable to stop crying
we could be benign and happy
it was what you would expect
and it is likely i would remember it
until the end of my days
the memory returns already
every evening and i know it will not stop
it will only increase more and more
suddenly
until death delivers me
we could be benign and happy
it was what you would expect
and it is likely
in general
i didn’t know how to live
i had no familiarity with life
i never really feel like i’m here
i simply echo the conclusion
‘that’s life’
no better, no worse
in this house,
we’d have whatever together
as we’d always have enough
it seems insane now to think
how happy we could be
all expressions empty
in a good way
as soon as possible
everything
days and weeks
i already said that
i know what happiness is
and what constitutes it
i know exactly what that is
getting brutally drunk
drinking ourselves to oblivion
as soon as possible
symptomatic of the dream
we tried to live
shared same traits
the same seriousness
austere
in keeping promises
love remained the only thing
one could still have faith
i certainly did not deserve so much
things take place that should not,
taking place again every day
of course there are exceptions
there are boundless exceptions
the possibility of happiness should exist
i’ll come back to my subject,
which is me
not that i’m particularly interesting,
but i’m the subject regardless
although
i have had the illusion of
being important at a short distance
more ambitious, motivated, smarter
no doubt
holding you by the hand
my brain worked slowly
mistily looking for a formula
true for the fi rst one
obviously false for the second
i adapted to solitary pleasures
long before i stopped looking for my life
i bought hummus,
but hummus was better shared
there are things which we have not had the opportunity to think of
because
nothing happens to me that directly involve you
me, once again talking about
killing myself
always an uncomfortable moment for someone else
she chose me
so i absorbed a family
still, i wish to obscure truths
and to smoke indoors
like all previous generations of me
pretty quickly
we end up not understanding
what we were arguing about
evoking a divinity
tightening ourselves with champagne
i’m a little more bourgeoisie at the bottom
of a wine glass
i think i was well received
agreed, attentive reader?
am i clear about being incomplete?
one last time, for a variable amount of time
these other men
dissolve themselves in a vague
biological and technical continuum
as their way of deciding of a future destination
me, i organize my euthanization quickly
hey, i’m trying to establish balance
better to not contest intuition
i had made a mistake
i had made a huge mistake
hardly an example to be made
time seemed to stretch to infi nity
a miserable hard time to evaluate
while it started to get cold
i had a few years left to think about it
a few years or a few months
i couldn’t be sure
things remain bad
perhaps no news is bad news, too
my interest changed nothing
my enthusiasm keeps me from speaking
meaning someone else can fi nish my sentence
i wasn’t here on a poetic journey
no foolish unbearable lightness of being
air conditioning was the only poetry
i was interested in
i want nothing to eat
nothing seems worthwhile
“i’ll talk to you tomorrow”
in a muffl ed voice
“i hope you have a good night”
trying to be essential
my experience with the tides remained
more than restricted
i didn’t know what to say
i hung up the phone
i realized my choices are fi ne
i had made a good choice
slow progress
the laptop remained bright with the volume turned low
this will certainly help me fall asleep
sleep came
sleep came with funeral dreams
my mind usually wanders towards death
i didn’t need my dreams to remind me, too
my calls resist an echo in the landscape
i had no reason to connect to the internet
contact was a lukewarm at best
i fold papers in four before putting them in my pocket
the birds sing with a charm that escaped me
i was interested in plants, not animals
you drinking vodka,
me preferring chablis
cultural distractions
twisting the knife in the wound
a lost metaphor on me
us no longer kissing
little by little
you leave me
let’s turn this around into a positive
my whining is painful
i’m really stupid
i don’t care
i smile because i can’t help myself
what is it about today, anyways?
the knowledge another life exists
in the end, you never get to take it
slow down, nothings going to hurt you
historically
there was not much to say i was right
a more general, biological doubt
came to me
our destinies were diff erent
but the end seems comparable
you’re diff erent
every time you arrive
you look like a cop
describing surveillance
no, research
i guess the same could be said about me
it’s amazing the trust people have
no password?
who doesn’t use a password?
it’s a promise
i didn’t understand
pretty much
i’ve seen enough
it’s not my danger, anyways
with your arms outstretched to me
one escapes a considerable misfortune
to be replaced by an ordinary one
still, we remain civil
i wouldn’t worry about it
my objective to work in the old way
take your time but
take it
don’t not do it
would i pay for it?
probably yes
according to this logic
we suff er until the end of the day
and do it again
friendship and compassion
a utility
from the onset
the subject hurts
maybe it’s some disease
it’s not like i could just stop loving you
evidence acquits you in this case
but it is of no overall help
half of my value is you
with a mixture of disgust and despair
the imbalance being my permanent state of mind
i’m starting to get tired of it
the terrible thing is that i’m someone
who has done almost nothing useful
in his life
i get up, i get bored
i get drunk, i get bored
an aesthetic perfection
i wish to point out
thirty or forty times
the extent of how we use beauty
calm movements
these rare moments of tasteless agony
coming back to the words
it was probably an illusion
but a beautiful illusion nevertheless
the morning rises
as my problems pay attention
i had this episodic and approximate
vision of life
i could explain in fi ve or so minutes
with shuddering enthusiasm
fi nd your position,
it’s necessary to have proof
take your time,
don’t move
and count your breath
it’s part of the experience
you don’t think about anything
you forget all your worries
embellished admiration
a total abstraction to go back
did anyone have a choice?
you’re good
you’re great
whenever you’re ready
deprived of desires and a reason to live
the terms being equivalent
the anti-depressants were working
i maintained despair at
an acceptable level
sometimes indulging in hope
before answering your own question with a
“no”
however, it persists
and this is a
touching performance
truth being a stupid bird
a seagull
created by convenience
by a just god
and i
can’t
pull the trigger
a fool,
a fox
who does not have the courage to kill
does not have the courage to live
the phrase circled in my head
creating nothing but a trail of pain
i don’t know
i’m not sure
an apologetic look but no excuse
in general
it’s not worth it
i don’t know
probably
probably yes
the idea of ‘symbolic action’
crossed my mind
i was paralyzed with shame
before i fi nished my sentance
nothing happens
but sometimes sometimes happen
we are never fully prepared for it
so, you’ve decided on an action?
i don’t know what prompted me to ask
i didn’t care what the answer was
i’m working on it
we’re working on it
i’m depleted of brilliance
it seems like everyone has stayed indoors
me, as vague as a landscape
no red wine needs
or cheese
i really should interviene
tell me what you think
should i try to do something?
we delayed this conversation
and now that i’m slipping on it
i’m unprepared for a plunge
into the real
i was expecting the objective
confi rmation of disaster
and i had nothing more
to propose to you
i continued
this time with feeling
being at the heart of failure
of my professional life
and of destroying myself
at every occasion
the ideological lock is too strong
“i’m just fi ghting ideas”
it’s crazy what i’m saying
forget it
with temporary and paradoxical optimism
i did not see how to do better
i did not see an absolute
i refused to take it into account
i refused to negotiate
at the end of the day i was always wrong
things always swing towards someone else’s triumph
in conclusion,
i’m fucked
the sky presented a
gradient of candid hues
of a very light blue
nothing dramatic
just tragic advice and
a path of destruction
a brief hesitation
a spiral of annihilation and
never again perceived tenderness
casual
very comfortable
the slowness of an intervention
was the subject of controversy
for having witnessed it
i can say there was no other way
it’s a dead end
a sequence repeated at length
this was the only decision to make
against a background
of black smoke
in retrospect
i think that’s it
the extreme slowness
which provokes nonsense trauma
automatically
ready for anything
i do not understand
i do not understand why
i still do not understand
why things are ending like this
in a tragedy
nothing seems real
synthesized drama
accompanied by mini-narratives
everyone, as usual
condemns violence
something worth paying attention to
me,
i’m an insignifi cant element
a tourist
i don’t want any problems
i just want to leave
exchanging words in a low voice
it remained an analytical rehearsal
“neither angel or beast”
a good motto appropriate for the circumstance
i’m paraphrasing
a sprite sounds good to me
spite?
no, sprite
the absence of sexuality
brought me closer to the angels
but didn’t it also lead me
closer to the beasts?
already the meaning of the original version
escaped me
“i will not commit suicide”
i said with a smile
a smile that said i would, probably,
kill myself
it’s true that in the midst of our dramas
we are assured of the existence of other problems
it’s not the future
it’s the past that kills you
i didn’t see much that could justify
my desired isolation
a time that amounted to less than two years
but i kept stopping
i had the failures of nineteen-year-old girls
an existential confi guration
i never got out of
i’m hesitating to attribute meaning to this
departing from a common morality
altogether
too uncommon
even in the memory of our contemporaries
my desires are infi nitely simple
it was the world around me
which had become too complex
i couldn’t manage
so my behavior became erratic
neither good nor bad
just evasive
things would have to go wrong
until the whole situation
could be reconsidered
we exchange few words and
resume activities
a thing exists
demands to exist
so that situations come together
to fulfi ll the destiny
we discussed earlier
well, yes
the answer is yes
i was gradually becoming aware of it
eventually i will surrender to the evidence
and bend to ‘natural law’
but it would be too late
let’s not talk about it
the only solution is to
just leave
an opportunity arose
i felt no breath, cold
i felt on the verge of something perfect,
liberating, and unique
the mechanisms of misfortune were the strongest
an equation already solved
against my favor
diffi cult to explain
retrospectively
my analysis of the situation seemed
complete and certain
there are still some areas of the human psyche
that remain poorly known
they have been little explored
just paradoxical and absurd formulas
no production of acceptable descriptions
hope beyond all hope
keeps coming back to me
without having personally experiencing this
‘hope’
there was something more
providing less
in an endless collection
this unexpected arbitrary unexpected thing
covering the probably delay
considering the accumulation of mistakes
and mistakes that constitutes one’s life
the hand that decides the dice
studies have shown
though we are never 100% certain
the journey has done me good
impersonal and negative thoughts drift
i could bring myself to penetrate
the atmosphere of disaster
all day
little individual disasters
not contradicting a point of maturity
that i inevitably missed
i guess i was aware of it
mixing anxiety,
compassion, and
professional concern
there was a connection with my situation
a report that seemed distant
uncertain
i didn’t answer
but i took my hands apart
opened my mouth slightly
off ering an expression
of nothingness,
because it says
‘okay’
i seemed to be suff ering from
a vague relapse of nostalgia
fi nal goodbyes?
did i really believe it?
yes, i really believed
i was going to die
that fi nal farewell
we dream almost everyday
nature manifested an absence
leaving only insulting empathy
peaceful,
majestic, and
calm
was it normal?
yes,
i knew that
yes
however
something had changed
in the general atmosphere
a year in which has passed
we were at the beginning of may
an unusual mild month of may
a real prefi guration of summer
i should have felt something like desire
or at least an urge
the season of short skirts
ordering coff ee and comparing love aff airs
however, nothing
radically nothing
just a dosage
of hormonal history
i should be worried
that was probably what was expected of me
well, you’re sad to death
speechless,
but it comes back the same
with people like us
meaning people like me
obliged to play in this comedy of
desire,
pleasure, and
love
and
all of the other things
we want
still, we fuck
it’s not nothing
but if it’s good, it’s better
it takes a minimum of pleasure
to succeed in living
i’m not saying i’m a big supporter of death
a vague gesture, impatient
as if to brush aside a
recurring and stupid objection
but there are some cases
where it is the best solution
“i’m depressed,
i want you to shoot me”
this time i missed the words
chic and sexy was no more
than a myth without consistency
my life, in summary:
“i’m sorry for the inconvenience”
past the stage of my life
of exaggerating suff ering
confrontational surveillance
rendered harmless by nature
i just walk
nowhere
not quite anywhere
the immediate vicinity of nowhere
throwing kisses in reckless abandon
my movements would go unnoticed
raising no comments
a neutrality and politeness
of little importance
everything breaks
before being replaced
i realized i was aging
in a normal fashion
i was, what,
an epicurean philosopher?
a decadent me
the real beginning of my descent
a disappointing period of
conformism
projects i had no intention of fi nishing
why would i read
‘the magic mountain’
now?
who was i trying to impress?
the culture of the world
was of no moral benefi t or advantage
proust concluded
the end existed to be regained
which off ers nothing substantial
simply a waste of time
there is no intellectual conversation
which will help me reach clarity
without harming my poetry
what is a more beautiful poem
than a housecat?
that kitten that made thomas mann crazy?
rihanna fl ashing marcel proust?
deprived of all else
it seems that i accepted the idea of not existing
of course i’d rather be happy
but it was really out of order
at this point
i mean
following my death
those books and photographs
will just end up in the trash
the truth was useless
surgically precise placements and datesuseless
why did i stop to take so many pictures?
it’s a tourist cliche
expecting beauty or meaning
to come through the mundane
therefore,
i did it
i obsessed over expenses
in the midst of confused nothingness
permanently moved by the state of unlimited life
the world turned into a neutral surface
without relief and without attention
goodness had not developed in me
the psychological process had not taken place
i became more indiff erent
simple, if not hostile
i tried to make normal,
standard,
average attempts
to get closer to some people
but nothing materialized
with a humorous attitude
i considered the pleasures of
leaning out the window and abandoning myself
to the action of gravity
with a joking spirit,
of course
hilarious but not absurd
people were dying every second and
they succeeded perfectly
fi rst shot,
no fuss
some even took the time
to write some good words beforehand
it’s a small white oval
i do not create or transform
i translate
providing a new interpretation of life
that is less rich,
more artifi cial, and
more rigid
off ering no form of happiness
not even of mild relief
transforming life into a succession
of formalities
therefore it helps to love
or at least not to die
- for a while
it’s probably faster for those who never belonged to the world
who never thought of living,
loving, or
being loved
always knowing their life was truly not theirs to live
i regret nothing
as the situation is always changing
everything was airy,
extremely clear from the beginning
but we did not take it into account
after all,
aren’t there infi nite possibilities?
i could have made a woman happy
these ideas were in the spirit of time
we did not formalize or taste them
we have contented ourselves with
conforming to them and
being destroyed by them
god looks after us
giving us precise directions
these impulses of love
that fl ow into our breasts
to the point of taking our breath away
extremely clear signs?
these illusions
these ecstasies
inexplicable if we consider our biological nature
i understand today
the point of view of christ
his repeated annoyance
at the hardening of hears
having all the signs and not taking them into account
do i have to be explicit at this point?
is it really necessary that i give my life for these losers?
looks like i do.

ulysses part two


“the best words in the best order”
8 . was an inside job
i’m studying memory
sharp naked waiting
fire walk away from me
long walks with closed mouths
a lengthy explanation of my recent silences
all smashed glasses without you
kiss me til you care
form a structure and work within it
unscheduled anxiety attack
sunday afternoon baseball
the list of pro’s and cons
the wages of indifference are whatever
show your work
link in bio
please don’t stop
putting a name to need
agent of intimacy, impulsivity
maybe lovers, maybe friends
even losers win
i would do anything for you, even suck dick
i’d suck a dick to make you happy
whatever didn’t happens
no pussycats inside my doghouse
constantly threatening suicide
on a scale from one to death
cause of death
seemingly apocalyptic midnight
you can’t ruined nothing perfect
awareness
gentrify my hood
houseshoes
tall poppy syndrome
zen techno
holy rage
blowjob d.j. vu
calm faith
hey, you real person
irreversible time
metaphysical contradictions
cherry chapstick
green/yellow/black
purple/yellow/black
industrial pornography
metamodernism
nosebleed
aperol and soda
c’est tout
tactical self destruction
tactical as a word for evidence of love
documentary objectivity
suicide eyes, bette davis
invitations, declined
don’t exist
“it’s not that simple”
ruin porn
emotional porn
health porn
ignored ecstasy
dialectic ecstasy
mutual dependency
chronological
compartmentalized
anachronisms
amyl nitrate
yohimbe
“i just want my dick sucked and to go back to work”
distracted sex
“what are you actually thinking of ?”
physical mysticism
domestic perversion
wet dream normalcy
controlled circumstance
elaborate constructs
power dynamics
shared humanity
in bed together
sex and power
exchange of experience, flflfl uids
liberal arts rich colleges
“i’ll always get a ticket but i’ll never get arrested.”
“a” person to “the” person and then “that” person
fififi eldwork
ethnography
“show me the process”
4:44 psychosis
failed actor
literary kink
expanded time
condensed time
luck = loss of control
is it good or is it interesting?
the last minutes of memory
“grown up clothes and poses”
smell memory
bless you
don’t cry over lost work
kaddish for a lost dv tape
black yellow red blue
the shakes
panic, frustration
self-betrayal was an inside job, too
hello, real person
as if saying it makes you real,
this real
“attach-y”
sublimation
stability, consistency
a soft place
voids, depths, blankness
lingering sense of defeat
shutting down, losing interest
the most YOU vs the most often me
going against intuition
lifelong dedication
severe disinterest
endless dulling days and nights
time-lapsed
“like none of this ever happened.”
2g2bt
if I were to explain our relationship to a stranger
joy in repetition
tl;dr
the nervous irritation of desire
icy indiffffff erence
insolence
satisfying glory
soul census
defensive gestures
coquette
passion, caution
mystifififi cation
you’re my cat
the wine riots, 1907 narbonne
vin non conforme
who says “I love you” fififi rst
response and reaction
unhealthy laughter
the world feels hurried
roule
love in speculative terms
duplicity as love
snow blind
point of advantage
settling in
soft cmyk
what good am I if I am not well read?
boring in betrayal
adolescent sexual desire
because I am not meeting you at an intersection
“if you don’t ask, you don’t get.”
I’ll try anything once
false deadlines
deliver us serenity
desire and action
diversions
“en fififi n”
don’t react
stay still
I used to, not anymore
severance package
blissfully unaware
stomach ache
“suicide-y”
puzzling existence
“puzzled”
frightened eyes, looking back at me
anesthetize
objects of desire
temporary suicide
a million shades of worse
nothing sacred
recent circumstances
irresistible thesaurus
quality of life
habitual virtue
genuine interest
old standards
ego death
competition
for example
something completely
outlook on life
unpleasant but not boring
necessarily pleasant
evening hours
variety of amusements
carried away
pushed to extremes
altogether too much
ashamed of myself
under duress
wanting to be held
nothing sacred
a quiet life
contrary to instinct
certain good things
mystical language
half articulate
the general idea
profoundly satisfying
love is an experience
kind of boredom
purely physical
still happens
a certain point
nervous fatigue
time spent
involuntary contact
social pressures
accustomed to anxiety
incapable of happiness
voluntary of involuntary
nerve racking
in such cases
defififi cient in control
born rich
same mood
respectful behavior
unnatural conduct
fear of dismissal
tomorrow’s problems
something off
ordinary days
worrying decisions
success and failure
the less I care
impossible to remember
elaborate investigations
am I happy to see you?
am I happy to see you!
bronte’s dog was named keeper
soul stealing
in love with the word
leonard cohen’s hydra
objets trouves
surveillance
well informed
absent minded
the importance passes
without doom
let us begin again
terms of convenience
conditions of failure
complicit
pure will
once and for all
desirable
vanishing point
statute of limitations
reverberations
praxis
love story fatigue
legibility
rituals
wasteful smokers
you can’t ruined nothing perfect
an interesting situation
the who -> signifififi er of assumption
the what -> my onset feelings
la jetee is twenty eight minutes long
stop making excuses
mid length black hair hitting shoulders
restless, familiar
agile
“I’m sure I’ll see you soon”
I’m not what you think
mood more brilliant and dazzling
can you ever be sure?
none of your streets offend me
indifference to ecstasy
how do you know I’m talking about you?
erotic triggers
symbolic solutions
tomorrow, forever
no, I know
I think, no, I know
functional fixedness
cutaneous rabbit illusion
hypercorrection
paint your pockets
auxiliary phrasing
“I prefer you a distant enemy than a close friend”
releasing sweetness
welcoming all forms of the future over an illusion of the past
implicit actions
talking generally
trying to empty my head
retain the essential
pace works slowly
perfectly adjusted
“her ghost”
fate in disguise
pointing
waiting
don’t need constant dialog
forms of liberation
sovereignty of the subject
hypnosis
devotion
hear before technique
disassociation
from poet to poet, painter to painter
“is this really me?”
plants – talk to plants
“I won’t let the fififi lm get in the way of the novel”
a novel about not being able to fififi nish a novel,
a fififi lm about not being able to fifififi nish a fifififi lm
black and white Xerox cellphone shots
printed and used in instances where fififi lming is not permitted
the cat, the girl, the books, the cigarettes
sexting my bookcase to you
“before we start, we should state some recent facts.”
I am not a romantic, so why is everything a fucking love poem?
paper that have been spraypainted over
patterns ecstatic
method writing
the time spent talking about work
ruminations of work past
foretelling of work to come
monetary predators
“just like us”
if I don’t feel bad is there something wrong
I added joy to joy, and yet I am still unhappy
I used to think I needed a lot of things to
nothing but the rest
“his sins were scarlet but his books were read”
trauma
sombre
soft and gentle and lovely
“my cross and my delight.”
the guiding spirit
steam baths
disaffffff ected
the torture of misunderstanding
sensitive and volatile
controlling that volatility
rediscovered living alone
sticky personalities
sex as hypnosis
art as love letters
formality, restraint
not the same
maya deren
sex, love, absolution
horoscopes, tarot
falsifififi ed records
go ahead, I’ll be there soon
my mouth is so dry, exercised not talking
dulling everyday, everyday dulling
“I wanted to stay in bed, stay asleep, but it doesn’t grant me peace
either. nothing I do is making me happy.”
I must succeed
bad faith / mauvaise foi
situations
sex when tired
someone to work with
cynicism
something sinister
“it can’t be me all of the time.”
love of sports
love of dates, names, numbers
sublimating a sex drive into working on scattered ideas
I have more ideas than I could imagine using
“we must remain lucid to the bitter end”
as if it had never been
a dangerous streak of tenderness
again, drying out
why we don’t make good friends
passive, passive, active, neutral
slow, controlled speech
self-destructiveness
keeping track of dates, times, symbols, events
list of books to read in 2018
linguistic skill, aphorisms
submerging correspondence into the workflflfl ow
love of a name, our names together, ours alone
‘swans’ as a metaphor
“I’m thankful for my life”
a mistake
very one dimensional world view
that place of prestige
sexless embraces
when my feelings are hurt, I feel that pain in my left thumb
limerence, crucifififi xion syndrome, reflflflfl exology
happy not showering, not having a clean home
expending nervous energy into reading
bleaching my bangs to match sontag’s
sanity, caution, egotists
the metaphysical
the walking stick that virginia woolf carried to the river’s edge
hope less ness less
love, in dog years
a yawn is an afterthought of love
“I can pinpoint the exact moment I’ve met two people in my life,
and they’re both through glass doors.”
publications for speed freaks
most people are more patient than i
all the lily’s painted soft purple, but it’s not an immediate concern
the fourth wave
an endless outpouring
what you need
but that’s not what we do
how to end the book
crying and shaking at the not new
this again
the patriot missile
it’s just showbiz, baby
wishing well
harmony
shy, shrug
support
one of a kind
“there is nothing sweet about me”
never felt good before
it wasn’t always that way
there more I read, the more I get what I want
admission of guilt
I just wanted you to know
engaging
let’s get married next week
getting older
don’t aim for the bullseye
walk slowly
don’t take the easy shot
several facts
eliminating the unnecessary
center of interest
what is really happening here
you got to look into the future
yes very much so
intuition vs analysis
a record of what happened
contempt
why did I do it this way
against preciousness
power and purity
can’t stand sentimentality
tension memory
don’t take many images, just enough
“a little too much is just enough for me”
and now, you are part of my work
ethical issue
no separation between fififi ction and documentary
“let the old dead make way for the young dead”
a tout de suite
rien, jamais
the pure image
representing time
contrasting grammar
it always takes something from you
what am I going to do
use your words
working hard to make it work
identify yourself
altogether too bohemian
pathological
irresistible
dialectic of desire
repeating myself
objective analysis
later in my life
the failed self
I care but not really
seduction culture
meta analysis
quantitative methodology
the hall of mirrors
self-suffiffiffi cient vulnerable dependence
apocalyptic reasoning
apocalyptic catalog
ironic detachment
forced choice
milgram experiment
organizational narcissism
love bombing
word salad
gesture of care
devalue and discard
cult following
avoidance attachment
trauma bonds
repetition
transference
obedient revisionist
mental health
everyday words
against coldness
the sensation of understanding
civilizational habit
addiction as performance art
not rationalizing but explaining
some idea formed
mimesis
made of each other
made for each other
the uncanny valley
“splitting”
sacrificial crisis
kant’s formula
tell it not in gath, publish it not in the streets of askelon
sequence of events
“if you can do it it ain’t bragging.”
awaiting, numbering
terrorist / 911
rilke, auden, lesbian
even venus was crosseyed
morning shower
pre sex nap
thinking about the future
white walls
pastel colors
contemplating drug time
the calendar of neglect
who put you up to this?
the problem isn’t the paragraph, it’s the sentence
the gentleman unbuttoned his blouse
fall in / fall out
white wine, reading
the fififi lm was sensual
DNA, yours and mine, mixing
I don’t want to think about it, the past
absurdly prompt
magazines meant for keeping
harsh carbon
whiskey sunburn
temporary absent inhibitions
worry
erstatz prose
should I continue?
suicide note anthology
answered prayers
but I don’t know zadie smith
I should try to, early morning
destroy endlessness
the work comes when it’s time to work
cryptic syntax
escorted offffff the premises
anyone is capable of terrorism
17 dead in flflfl orida school shooting
don’t make a habit of it
in bare feet
I don’t want to lose my place
university fucks
maybe we can call this genre “post-plagiarism”
interoception
citizen belligerent
what do the words mean?
pillow princess
price war
the clothes make the man
messy, blurry
i’m worried about you
i can’t believe i’m in paris
structure of feeling
nothing for sale
mocking, learning
the gallery as a place of offiffiffi cial business
what do we fall in when we fall in love?
you better believe it
fuck it, anyhow
out of loss
what comes next?
deface what you take
performance art: paying my bills
how to practice virtue
pain is a garment
content scraping
concerning authorship
perfect digital copies
at what age do I become serious about anything
you can’t own a cat: a codependent performance piece
‘poetry makes nothing happen’
books as raw data
shh, this is a library
it’s hard to write about these things
the only word for ‘not the city’ I know
my queen of the prairies
I wish to be assassinated as an act of indiffffff erence
conservative lean
lacrimae rerum
acedia
welschmerz
anomie, the condition
mono no aware
mal du si.cle
no new freedoms
‘as soon as I start talking about my life, I start lying straight away.’
populist poetry
la verite ultime
strange now to think of you
stain my dna
declasse
un coup de des – a throw of the dice
le prince foudroye
volupte
le mal avoir
malentendu du temps
amicalement
all privileges lead to the guillotine
precocious ecstasy
however you feel
kiss me any way, anyway
sleepless on cialis
and then came nothing
asking the chicken about the chicken soup
more beautiful in the future
being lonely in the city is better than being lonely in the country
for me, myself
the breakthrough brokethrough, though
polyamorous in creative endeavors: monogamous in love
mythology
m.tier
clinical misadventure
saturation reporting
parajournalism
licking my various wounds
overall more stable, just as reflflfl exive in mood
predatory living
ontological rivalry
after proust, the rest
our words
amorous dictionary
emotional criteria
ceremony
the act of writing
softly, more
our understanding of love has been hijacked
lord, deliver me a wealthy patron
ending paranoia
pregnancy tests and daytime cold medicine
“it’s one or the other but not both”
“what needs to be said is best said twice”
pathological
irresistible
dialectic of desire
throwing up love
camus the goalkeeper
habits of speech
thought blocking
reliable
ambitious
sensual
eye for beauty
naive
suburban
lazy
281-330-8004
actavis
anxiety, sinning
thought blocking
making progress
the monologue means nothing to me
that doesn’t excite me anymore
party’s over
it happens often
painkiller orgasm
celebrate life, romanticize death
awfully vivid awful vividness
extremist, perhaps
freedom isn’t free
heal, healed
doubts, large and small
forever is a long time
eat, pray, leave
being there together is enough
a crafted heaven in hell
attention thrives
endlessnessless
where is the ecstasy now?
eternal tired tidal eyes
catastrophe everything
you are completely happy
a rose is on the table
just facts
things i like and dislike
the prophesy
living well is the best revenge
something before, nothing after
martini heidegger
linkedin b johnson
i think about killing myself twice a day
liberte, fraternite, egilite
adult films
i don’t want to hire a lawyer, i want to pay the judge
better myself
i don’t know if i should say this, but
a comprehensive list of things I had no intention of doing
holding hands
public displays of affection
pet names
more focused
the opposite of what i usually do
the facts
small talk
it just happened that way
the table salt of the earth
reversal of freedom
as it comes
no certain regard
no foreseeable end
loving you as social protest
touching herself in the stacks, in the mystery section
a better place is hard to find
not a reworking of language
how to improve your writing in 12 passive aggressive steps
extremely happy until further notice
5-hydroxytryptophan
say hello to the new bad boy of poetry

call of duty: situationalist international

I just landed in Verdansk, Kastovia. I check my map: i'm in the middle of a field, in an area simply called 'farmland.' I can se...