CULTURAL BARF? exploration of self- non- being in Google daytimes.
EXPERIENCE, CREATION, RELATIONSHIPS
(clocks/cell phones/calendars/crooked teeth/cold cold walks home)
barely understood, but breeze walking screamed - your knees hurt.
HOPES and DREAMS (altered states) disorganized, desire rare
THE ARMAGEDDON BREAKUP
THE FITTED SHIRT
THE FAKE-OUT TAKE-OUT MAKE-OUT BREAK-UP WAKEUP
FACE-DOWN
THE TEST OF TIME
THE RECORDED VOICE
THE ACCOSTING POEM
THE HATEFUL GAZE
THE REJECTION IN FULL
THE PRESSURE OF PUBLIC TRANSIT
FINALLY INSIDE TWO MINDS THINK ALIKE-A LIE-A
LIGHT-A LIFE-A CAR RIDE
disguised as
some thing else where
daveed spead button bonk cris pharlee toep (how does it feel?)
to-do lists:
new style , rode yr bike , apt a
except!
;i laugh when i think about the future ]\
;i still think i see your workplace reflflfl ection ]-NON
;no two bodies are the same ]/
[i expect nothing from the eternal musk of trustworthy friends.]
picture Yourself, alone in bed.
coughing up #910503.
there we have it nothing has happened but be good to them always.
i laid there in bed for the longest long time. tried to sleep but half-eyed
laughing fififi ts shufflfflfflffl ed me about in fifififi ve minute intervals. i shuddered toward
the side wall to my left. i tried holding your hand as an act of endearment
(other reasons exist outside of my alternative education, i’m sure) and you
scoffffff ed, ‘is this supposed to be something else?’ so i pulled away fast too
embarrassed of something the whole world is doing.
oh, sadness can be so deceiving.
(the ‘i wonder what she thinks like when she has no clothes on’ issue
12/09)
| [ SOMETHING ] DO YOU WANT TO BE HAPPY?
| \ / |
KEEP DOING - - -
YES NO
WHATEVER IT IS /
YOU’RE DOING
an elegant rich girl gone bad, frustration bellows over calendars set to the
wrong month because you felt september’s photo was ill-fififi tting
fuck our age, please.
never forget this feeling: arm behind legs slightly intertwined accidental or
whether or not it was just a space issue at the time.
TWO SIDE-BY-SIDE A-LINE ALONG THE BIKE LANE
TRAPPED CAR-DOOR STREET-SIGN TO STIFF-IRONED
FAKE-SMILE AT WORK
2PM X FOUR
might just be what i need to fuck my fucking face offffff ,
but what does that even (Fucking) mean?
a long time loved newspaper darling muffiffiffi n baby
shuts metal doors to feel anything
fififi nally we have become nothing like we had thought, ha ha ha. boasting
hate-sex to ex’s, such a waste but still always pay the added fififi ve cents for
plastic bags. a diffffff erent scent permeates your most sacred place and hilarity
ensues. your eyes dry out in a hot, heated room. at least you have a
slow work day ahead to look forward to. i want somebody who loves me to
break my nose.
slow motion in step weaving through tens, there is no appeal in the city in
winter, night. heels sore for no-looks, stuck to sheets by at least 12. write
something down and tear it up when a girl takes her clothes offffff - i always
leave the room.
the most well-raised trained fumbler gains a scowling sidewalk and wrists
around all sentimental stories: one of your childhood or how your soccer
team went so far in the playoffffff s in 2004 but one of your parents didn’t
come and it devalued everything in that moment. you stress on your cellphone,
it starts to make sense. i am reminded of nothing as the announcer
claims this is a story about being upset at something that doesn’t exist and
we all agree.
faithlessness is an acquired trait you never thought in a million years that
you would possess. every bent clothes hanger barely holding something reminds
you that nothing can be as misleading as rational thought. i am just
as guilty. you can write as many to-do lists as you feel is appropriate but
still you never talk to the pretty girl who probably likes the same things
but is also a bit older but you think it’s such a negative thing and then all
of a sudden you’re back at home in bed writing down theoretical conversation
to convert her to you (one of these days). there are several reputable
sources to cite in the miserable story of unacquainted pairs in the same
room, united by the same ideology but never knowing the other due to it.
suddenly you laugh so often,
you seem like a completely diffffff erent person.
the climber streaks down on a high-rise condo series of windows searching
for vintage xanax prescription papers dated back to the worst of my youth
years darkest black books of the same feeling 5-3-1 years before right now,
the most terrible feeling ever. a pocketed buzz. the same then, or maybe
not the same but at least i had it all together a little bit better. i lost a few
more phrases today and still cough while replying to something honest.
i swallowed my own words and gasped at a long-distance relationship.
my roommate’s girlfriends weeps while they have sex,
it scares me awake 3 nights a week.
[a dream recalled december 12/2009. my bed, sheets barely covering bare
mattress (usual) but there is a beautiful girl, so pretty yes, tattoos
maybe (not better than me, this is my favorite trait evidentially), talks
about books and laughs so much, and i think it isn’t that far away. you are
not so sad.]
i have sat down and spoken at length with all my insecurities over the
course of three days. i wonder how hard it will be to fififi x myself ? a jaunt
or tryst, to be postponed probably but i can still hope that you love being
loved and you have realized that is a shameful discourse. all ‘a’ yall, running
your waiting time out and going out expecting a global surprise AM.
you selfififi shly steal all the sheets / i love a nighttime scufflfflfflffl e
do you get what i’m saying right now?
the secret of me being here is
i am only half here.
the coughing stock of the party
police in the crowd, invisible
(saw Lesser of each other)
recorded all scenes, mapped
state threads with 2xCharm
fate - Full two week
bOrder visit tomorrow
those famous lovers
stuck in perpetual cop-car
no-Motion / out-side youR house
those willing, (anxiously)
we developed:
to the top of, Distant, none.
a little older, however,
not drunk at the local alternate club
relevant culture youth hot spot
but with shirt offffff in addition to
illegal parts of a house party bar
who is to say i’m better for it
my more Hated features were rolled upwards in me,
some share, but usually during an hour or so.
feeling sorry for me
a block of ice melts in the back seat of your car
trembling each short hair or plaid shirt laughing man no-jokes,
beer puddle pools west queen west.
at least i’m not which standard man like that.
a kitten curls itself Upwards on your feet under your desk
reminds you- perhaps to call your mom, or invites a friend over.
did i really break my glasses in bed, drunk early november?
this life is hectic
but I want to always rub your back your shoulders
during the day light as not to leave
why us? errors will be made, to repeat more;
still you love the false people
your odor in my sheets, hardly there
skin-soft and lost
preparing to leave constantly;
left my lips to chap rendering them to uselessness
secretly, i’d love you to worry
perhaps about our culture
(apart from installations)
for photographed parties
the large numerical camera heat-bitch
the graffiffiffi ti earlier hung somewhere
only the crisis of medium or the life-married
stumblings of a man in the bar
‘you have the remainder of your life to fail everything.’
lighten up you don’t smile enough
blow even the last chance event blow-out sale
a correction develops in my beard
a garbageman hit by a Toyota 1983
my presence on the internet decreases and
jpgs turn to dots
a little too much conflflfl ict of programming (or haha)
awaking before 8 or not going tomorrow,
to be able to return it by the wet rumbling day of a bicep.
darker and darkest that red-wine, uncorked new orleans
knowledge not actuated by batteries AA
but more extreme than the vaguest flflfl irt of curiosity
the effffff ect of a snowball of all the most feelings
broken beer bottles tomorrow morning
of the too busy to be killed
for girl-with-glasses, friend-ex-small-new-friend-make-u-false-excuses
smiling a disaffffff ected air high
when kisses intelligent and bedtime
i can’t even think about it
this tea dries out my mouth
skin, scabbiest four seasons
very clean even when rustiest my
skin, much better complexed six months a year
trying hard to maintain a nice place
assuring you, no
removing craft from
the constantly glazed man textbook word bending
glorious in all parents beds august and forgiven
sweepstakes winner when
a pretty girl walking down the street
knees turned down
going going (i must be) going
now, contributing buddy momentarily
paused or frozen or stalling to catch a breath
by the time you read this i will be 22
(and probably) wearing boots at my desk, looking
adulter-er, confififi Dent-er, the resolute bender to end all benders, ending
and two less Holding-on-still fell-through-and-excusing myself
to leave the table or room
what just disappeared into you?
was it a breeze or a memory? did you jolt
something frightening waking you every hour, hour fearing your sleep
again you have become so still eyed, hard, soresongs
you didn’t write at sixteen intact, hiding cigarette packs under the
living room couch with a chewing-gum smile
running swift through 24/h news channel meaning
i’m bound to do it someday explained friendly enough
‘hyper mistook an exclusive trembling meant only for you.’
so, i; the given up still
because you would say
twenty-two holding soon hardly
which luggage on my back, except a trail of
no-loves and joke-to promise-forevers no-love-letters on
stationary businesses printed paper menus re-used
listing two during once with the store
when I dropped myself drunk matches and
us, them two
stole per package of gum,
you liked it so much! (I?)
one kisses seems fantastic! but - - -
please fall deadened beside the others
the life is a joke and
i’m above him, another re-run
the late-nite bicycle-assemble the fififi nancial zone when it’s hot outside
closed eyes with half and an affffff ected smile
‘I think, therefore i hardly exist’
never to know the combat is not an imagination
hate me with your friend to dine the birthday of need
something interesting
thin boys in an alley catch your attention
why is sexual attraction a mystery with me but what I can say now?
Berlin-leap with a pretty, pretty heart,
dividing the even-child-cities perhaps we bump in another somewhere
share soon.
you feel sorry for embracesrather
those that speak bar labelled
forthe fififi fteen dollars of spent time with friends;
i have needs for them
reasonable reasonable reasonable
to lay down it’s sun sector of compartments
introduced and the binary deadened tomb
YOU GROW UP and you grow up, and post-script record collection you
laugh about- redistributed fififi ve months from now. i am all but desire.
the fence, must leave. woke up dry eyed, brooke shields conversation
beyond my door.
(all PALMISTRY) past loves EXCLAIM:
“you have such a strong
love line; mine?
barely there at all”
early TWENTYess YEARs of sacred tRADition – (drink,
drunk, fuck, ‘i’m youuung, is expected of me!’) EXperience- (lust,
longing, l[ow]ww standards, “need somebody”) abSOLUTION- (\everybody
and where exaACTly the same and why this is appropriate/). leisure
and luxury four years til stable job & settle down proper web
prescence (thesiswritingpartner = sweetie). gain (y)our respect and
fififi re at daybreak (do out)fifififi t shrugged shOLDERs when asked to speak.
Young teen dream’d of wwf wrestling and cigarettes after school
with slurpees, walking home.
ThThTh e joke (ex)is(ts to be) everybody.
“unsure rememberance” inherant desire to
SELF-EDUCATE, SELF-MEDICATE, and SELF-RELY.
Flux of drunks to alcoholics, realize as early as possible that intoxicated
research is indeed REAL. Scalable down to the smallest of boxcar crumbsthin
veil of indiffffff erent drunk exposes closed eyes! Morning pains! ThThThTh rough
and through day number six! IT WAS HARD ENOUGH !!! !!!
“tactless muse; my appropriation.”//i am not absolute, true for you
is forgiving those made from dust a second time. feeling better :
waking up habits old (mine do) rest and sign for registered mail?
“helpLESS disappearance” future shock impossible, riddled bodies,
separating checklists of all things unforgettable. ‘i’m unavoidable.’
fhe fear of )bumping ex-girlfriend same large city at nite) not leave
bedsheets late friday nights for the party really is -
DON’T LOOK FOR
MY BIKE AT THE BAR.
Greater ‘who you been (with) ‘contrasts heart of arithmetics (flflfl irtatious
[gestures in repituoir] throughout) beyond the boundaries of subtle.
sensing THE GAZE
my rarely entire life an inimitable indefififi nition / inexplicable nostalgia
far-offffff city streets
pet names pinned to my chest
hard earned bad luck
b-more or brooklyn or bay areas for the springtime:
coffffff ee / fifififi rst girl fall in love fast
best thing: lucky seven year rabbit cycle
impulsive qualities are most loved
change the stupid smirk before YOU RUIN EVERYTHING. all future
of all things depend solely on covered sine waves with old friends
I ! AM ! SORRY ! what was that about?
shamed on, -
mass text message unfififi t for reply. I feel YOU no where. ThThThTh e brieflflflfl y
ill au pair (shy) with no sort of plastic bag, waves frantically taxi
down. Taxi stop, small car crash u-Turn two wide. now we all are o.k.
I sit on the bathroom flflfl oor and repeat to myself -
“ dark hair dark eyes e. saidgwick dopplegunger wants
soul why me why me why me. “
“ what good is a memory if the memory isn’t good?
lazy soul, mercyed soul, sore soul, god, why can i not feel anything?
i fell out of bed last nite, wouldn’t be last time.
you wonder why it’s hard to love? two thousand & nine, guy!!
eternally shrugged shoulders
it’s too late, anyways.”
GENERationALLY, no will change. alone, less alone, now nothing of
‘who’ and ‘who will.’ THE CREATOR computer and that computer
crashed,
painting self-portraits and rough leaving all over the place. all
with no-struck and dazzled no-bodies, resisting one thing all the
while- secrets are guarded eternally: just 19 with internet
girlfriend who called me MUFFIN and BUTTON wonder where she is
now?
& just 20 heart hurts.
astonishment closed behind her (mute french habits)
more and more glass / / /crystal every now and then / / /
no Special signifififi cance to badly buried dracula fangs in a dresser
drawer. lascivious no-desire english princess nude for NO-ONE.
intimately shed mutual blood / accepting folk songs. dinner guests
date inner circle sensible women.
last words so loudly they can be heard from miles around:
i accept that
my own face
is an accident
FIND
IMPORTANT
ANSWERS
THAN YOU
‘god is with us,’
, (little hands shaking)
really, all ready
to everyone (else)
who is all she sees
-take it to or
take my words or
dried up peace offffff erings
how do you solve a problem like
a week later? (dead serious)
true beauty is your
suicide note secret alphabet of
1/2 sitcoms to end
to settle into sleep
--precise, wait for the 5 o’clock
shirt, not mine!
ha ha ha ha
(oh)butitmademe feel
like i was there;
your muscle has everything
. . . ijustchewonmytongue
feels good, doesn’t it?
fully explained in tiredly
i hear absolutely it (hate it)
middles hard, try
sleeping versus fififi ne sex pros
leos get people.
wasn’t along monogamous.
sexualizing stupid this is context
enjoy opinions (other kind)
(fuck in), wicked but i also
easy talk about it
option for a month
full on evaluate
the comfortable place
last problems
appropriate 30 days
good friends mean
thin line
where meeting one
beginning life; has to be
ok- night.
something is not against my sacred place.
close right thing
slowly low key
good, what i’m doing
is most desirable
bring back the relationship
for fififi ve more hours
too busy right now,
let’s be honest.
(great chill) process fififi rst
forever and ever and ever.
offffff duty
i could love you (if you want)
somehow (i know!)
if i tried (%%%%harder?(
it’s sunday \] (i can not
i’m sorry /] help the calendar)
i could said it
twice more ways new
i already did /fuck///
what i wanted and it didn’t change ///shit/
to? try to! try
to& for get (you) a. s. a. p.
if you had to (will)
not expecting(want), however (you’re already)
stick around- here
much (it was too) longer you can
(do) fififi nd me - waiting
leather sectional sofa asleep (a week ago)
cold in my (own) blanket
)only))
memorize[d]
---could have save – d
an updated privacy
explains little, believe me.
no, none -
forty restricted calls
no caring about that business
unthinkable answers
greater wrongs than
‘fuck i can’t believe this’
‘get me out of here right now’
‘i’m serious’
that’s closer than actually happened
doing every day that goes by
24 hour tail with
soul food excuse
right, face?
a few private - - -
;lincoln, who tHE?
bad man with good intentions
must be skater nation ---super - slow - motion
anti-itwasn’tthesamething
black and white styrofoam
coffffff ee cup and other things i
feel guilty about
large (boring
for here, reciept please long year)
permanent black
comes out (but not often) &
barely goes out at all
girls with arms full of shopping bag ‘news’
move far too slow on the sidewalk if
i have some where to be
on my memorial vhs wall i would like the look on my face
freeze-framed laughs take /precedent/ over
(any) and [all]
1. gold notebook
~ruined life,
just > a year ago
1.shirt
that wasn’t mine
-!age sixteen driving suicide note scribbles
-onto napkins at family dinner
(the actor laughs when interviewed,
his words will end up in photographs
for the next few months.)
/about the same
convincing changed ( & i remark )
`would have done it all,
didn`t know how much’
now late early 20.
(local band writes songs about cheeseburgers
and falling asleep on the subway)
you got your City
together all knew friends now,
forever in style points and
trend codes (way too much slang)
-formal introduction to
busy laughing hotel rooms
because (i could never would never just) don’t
say no to
a good time
(get) on with (close) conversation
-new jeans i like them (to)o
(anyone) part of this is
sticking together.
a second so fififi nely
sore trains, best
will sadden sacks and when
will i be without needs
of words every moment
naked suddenly
of your last thought of
compositional end times
mark and memorize
road dropping confififi dence
known to those who snort and trust
means are entirely
from the heart (/strong)
walk on 99cent thrift shoes and cross sidewalk to
24frames per second
for a few minutes i wandered around my house expecting
thoughts on the oncoming day to jump out at me but nothing
was there. i felt fififi lled with dread for a split second and wanted
to call her and tell her i was wrong please please please it
was just one of those days but i blink and the feeling subsides
with the realization that one of those days was a month ago
and that i’m really not wrong and everything is a-okay once
again and i put on my jacket and i walk outside and i smile
because the sun is out and it’s early and i have nothing to do
today so i’m going to do everything. i was for two blocks to
buy a coffffff ee i heard from a friend that my coffffffff ee place has
roaches but i fififi gure it could always be worse so i turn down
the pastries but overthank the korean woman nonetheless.
i decide to go for a long long walk because i’ve had no reason
to go downtown all week and maybe i’ll see something i need
maybe i’m interested in buying a new pair of shoes. i walk by
that cross-street and my stomach turns for a moment and i
laugh at the uneasiness that the prospect of even seeing
certain people causes me. i laughed out loud i’m fairly sure.
i cringe a few steps later. i focus on my steps (one per side
walk block) and establish a speedy rhythm and keep going
and empty my mind for a moment and light my fourth
cigarette of the day. i watch a girl bike past and think she’s
the most beautiful girl i’ve ever seen and think about her
probable requirements for a lover: so very tall so strong four
years in their respective college program a pocket full of cash
and a huge but respectable cock. i know i have nothing no
nothing to offffff er nobody so i spit once pick a stick of gum from
my pocket and start to chew.
i coughed and i opened my eyes and i lit a cigarette and
i looked outside and there was no sun yet so i closed my
eyes again and continued to smoke, arm lying dead offffff the
right hand side of my bed hitting a strategically placed bowl
designed with such things in mind. i kept my eyes closed
and thought about why we stayed together for so long when
there was nothing keeping us together anymore when there
was no reason for us to talk except to complain ‘oh i hate my
job i want to quit my job i hate these people i work with, i
deserve better i know i do’ there was no joy in seeing each
other after a few days apart there was nothing new or familiar
in the other’s eyes, there was nothing anymore but still we
pushed and we wept when it was done but the tears really,
the tears were just there because we didn’t know what to do
anymore and oh my god he just said it does he mean it what
does he really want to say but won’t hung around for a few
days to make the tears a bit more tangible, but not much.
i burn my hand when the cigarette gets a bit too short and i
sit up quick looking to see if i’ve already developed a blister
or if my blanket is burning up. i put my index fififi nger in my
mouth and let my spit soak in. i cough once more and sit
a bit straighter. waking up fully clothed, i walk to the kitchen
to drink stale-tasting water directly from the tap to avoid
dirtying a dish and try to estimate the percentage of dissolved
flflfl uoride in toronto water. i believe i read that flflflfl uoride aids in
desensitization and allows one to be easily led but i think
twice and it sounds like i more than likely heard it as a
public transit rambling but i spit the water out regardless.
i was told i was born under a lucky sun but i didn’t feel it right
now, the gum not satisfying my thirst or keeping my jaw
occupied long enough to not continue smoking. i tugged at my
jacket uncomfortably as if i were suddenly aware that i might
be unappealing to passerby ignoring the fact that the way my
jacket hangs offffff my body is the least of my problems. i mouth
a few lyrics to a song in my head whispering softly only to me
and i feel a little less self-conscious. bathurst, halfway marker
known to me as long as i’ve been in the parkdale, yes i’m on
my way! i see the city start to build up a bit more and more
with every step and i feel a bit less alone thinking that these
buildings these places are so unappreciated as well. i feign
sympathy brieflflfl y and bump shoulders with a tall white man
walking his bike viciously through a crowded intersection and
i look him in his eyes and see absolutely nothing, not one
thing and i feel jealous and i mouth ‘fuck you’ when i am fully
turned around and hold my shoulders up high tug at my jacket
once more spit and smirk condescendingly. i think about the
times we talked about forever and how we’d love each other
longer than that and i think i still do but love is never ever
enough (says my mom, i believe her always) and that really
love means everything, yes, but you can’t hold on to that love
to snuggle you at night or make you feel appreciated or even
cared about because that love, fuck, that love is all in your
head!!! you regret not telling her more often when she made
you feel like shit but you remember that you felt like shit all of
the time and nobody likes a complainer. i feel a bit sick to my
stomach thinking about you fucking somebody else and i
think it doesn’t matter, it never mattered then, why would it
matter now and i close my eyes and the pain moves to my
head and i tug at my jacket and it goes away.
continuing on with keeping my feet on the ground and my
eyes following my right foot left foot with extreme accuracy
i feel a familiar grab at my right arm that causes me to
swing around into the arms of one of my oldest friends. the
hey how are you’s are present but go through unnoticed with
yeahs and i got you’s, the pressing question is where are ya
going and can i come along so i decide to stop for a six and
head home, head as clear as i can guess and a sudden
companion. he waxed on and on about how it’s happened
before oh this is the last time is it oh how i’ve heard that a
million times and i spit angrily and said yeah, yeah, yeah.
i know, okay, yeah i’ve done wrong and yes and oh yeah,
it’s happened right but i have a professional life now and no,
i won’t go to college no matter what you say, i have a life you
know? i have things to do and i don’t need four years to get
drunk and hang a diploma up. he smiles and asserts i’m
back to normal but normal was such a long time ago that i
feel grim a dead man, walking. i pay $10 smile pleasantly
and expect to be sharing tonight. i think about a few fond
memories for a moment, every drunk night every good night
when we were both so new to each other and everything
was fresh and fun and it was interesting. i think about how
i was told ‘if it wasn’t you, it would have been me’ and i get
angry with an unaware person that this is crossing my mind
at this moment. i look up with disdain and grow ever anxious
to be home. i cough shallowly and smile feeling forced. i
think that i’m capable of being happy and yeah, i deserve it
and yeah, i fucking deserve it, yeah. yeah. yeah.
i cough and i cough and i receive a quick pat on the back
and it makes me furious however i know it’s with good
intentions (what would i do if i were you?) so i say ‘thank
you’ with my eyes because i never mean it with my mouth
and you know me better than that. we are almost home
the walk twice as fast back surprisingly, even, wow, i’m
surprised right now that we’re already here. i open a beer
and stretch out on my bed as you sit on the stool across
from me and check your email eyes squint and it makes
me drink faster. in the other room i can hear ‘the lovers’
‘the couple’ ‘the too cute not to appreciate’ conversation
glide from art culture in love cute cute in love what do you
want to eat tonite dear in love in love the sound of a hand
on a hip that doesn’t belong to you in love in love in love
and i love oh i love it oh love, lover, smother me with a
pillow while i sleep, love, lovely, oh tell me everything
about your day love, i love everything you love!! i’ve never
felt so happy, love, this love is everything, everything to
me, when i close my eyes, love, i’d love to love you, lover,
sweet-pea. love. let’s be the same person, love, i’d love
you a bit more if you were diffffff erent but love, it’s fifififi ne! it’s
so okay to love what you love!! i love you today. tomorrow
it’s just too soon, love, let’s not think about it today, lover.
love, muffiffiffi n, don’t be so mad all the time. love is so good!
honey! baby! i dreamed about jumping in front of a car
last night and it felt amazing, lover, love, sweetness, baby.
i thought about how much i hate you today, love, and i
loved it, love love, love! oh, i love to watch you leave over
and over again, love, i love to watch you sit speechless
oh love, i forget the next memory love, love, i forgot
something i said i would never, love, i smile that it’s gone.
