serotonin

it’s a small white oval

it’s five in the morning

or something

it’s the start of my day

my first gesture is to make coffee

i do not light a cigarette until after the first sip

my main success

an immediate violence

a perfect drug

a simple and hard no joy drug

lack and the lack of lack

i drink mineral water and i hate my name

it’s a regrettable honor

my necessary weapons in the struggle for life -

sadness, suffering

i return to opportunity and circumstance

in order to tell the truth

a ridiculous combination

elements androgynous and brutal

but not at all

really, not at all

i consider my name a vintage horror video loop

nothing is possible from

an administrative point of view

proof of my inability

to regain control of my life

of my square faced scam

it seems fairly likely that

the second part of my life

will be as painful as the first

5-htp,

antidepressants,

serotonin,

me

nausea,

loss of libido,

occasional suicidal tendencies

reduced to good neighborhoods

i have never suff ered from nausea

the story begins

sunny and extremely hot

how beautiful girls can be

drinking coke zero slowly

exaggerations, dummy

wavy red

geometric patterns

every second

god is merciful and merciful

desirable and good

prudent and wise

i’m not expressing myself well here, am i?

that which could be described as

‘punk’ or ‘rock’

i forget the diff erence

let’s say ‘punk rock’ to simplify

an accident was almost certain

it’s easier to fuck with intuition

perfect superimposed slowly

i felt happy

which means i was wrong

this being a romantic comedy

with big overacted gestures

this being a porn fi lm

predictable but the importance of the dialog lesser

the writing was hardly surprising

various moving human acts would occur

treated by the usual means

this being reality

i just went home

especially meaning

disappointing and mundane conclusions

made more obvious

we were considering projects

at a certain point

fi nishing life in a peaceful way

at the time of the apertif

from the bar to the beach

from the beach to the bar

no fuss

no confl ict

no problemo

recent history will not be useless

a high price for

love

work

emancipation

things like that

nudes

cynicism

stock options

i simplify

i must simplify or i arrive at nothing

at my age, it became

a little vague and less frequent

my version of this dream being simplifi ed

let us not anticipate immediate results

a long time

a very long time

as i have already said

for diff erent reasons

i would explain later

under a diff erent circumstance

there are people who commit suicide for less

you know

if we refuse to accept the sun

later, restaurant and romance

i manage to mimic a vague expression of satisfaction

our cheeks brush too much

life a little less unpleasant

voltaire or pascal or blaise or

the concept, anyways

aloe vera uncommon

in the opposite direction

in the end

a moment of pure dread and

it would be over

the weight of me

fast approaching rendered uncertain

paradoxical balance

absolute peace

certainly less than fi ve seconds

what’s going on?

all is well

all is well

i repeated even more gently

all

is

well

as i expected

my professional explanations seem convincing

i wrote notes

i defi ne and support

i isolate some key elements

aligning an impressive succession of failure

negotiating the same things

i make no eff ort

i maintain no illusions

i give up

there are people like me

but worse

in this paradise

the atmosphere was generally calm

i’m still wondering what she could understand

about the situation

the theory was unassailable

i was barely worthy at her feet

that was self-evident

an increasingly coarse indiff erence

to her status and mine

coming somewhat unstuck

there were certainly a lot of people she could relate to

but not her family

who would have concluded i was time to return

to where she came from

fundamental disregard for me and my destiny

eagerly seeking company

which was not so easy

a contradiction

but still

nothing happened

i can’t really remember their attitude towards me

superfi cial benevolence

but i suppose that i was only

superfi cially accessible

i believe the reality of these charms

they were like a documentary about waterfalls

i didn’t go out for coff ee

i watched the movement of the sun

across the pavement

and that was about all

the unbearable emptiness of the day

twenty-four-hours-a-day

coordination permitted yet way less

perfectly realized

hence, generally relaxed at 160km/h

straight to infi nity

almost empty

sky crushed sky

crossing a landscape of total boredom

cigarette, cigarette, falling asleep

absurd limitations

which would arouse suspicion

i kept the most magical memory

kitschy-pseudo-exotic-impossible

there were still some holes, cracks

a set of cutting pliers

turn of the alarm

and we do not talk anymore

we buy silence

obviously in these conditions

one is never safe from betrayal

showing some signs of annoyance

ready to complain in advance

she had to get up

she had to show her paperwork

a welcome cocktail it was not

a visionary policy taken to new dimensions

a little later

independently of other sometimes questionable

aspects of action

the universal spirit’s work did not stop there

could it be compared to anything?

it had to admit it was totally lacking

a decisive competitive advantage

charming tourism status

a turn, i had no doubt

there was no such thing but they could come regardless

to simplify reception formalities

it may well be that

spies from the north had become ordinary

a moment of ironic glances

i pretended not to notice

i lit a cigarette

i pretended not to notice

marginal and poorly documented

experiences convinced me

for ten minutes

nothing happened

regular coke, mineral water

i do not know

turned without a word

returned a minute later

the reading room i had already come to

everything could have gone for the better

had i not suddenly remembered

a minimal tempo preceding

our separation

our last summer

a purr

a canceled comparison

open mouth, stopped, impressed

at the foot of an immaculate

king sized bed before sitting shy

she wanted to take a picture of us both

she exlaimed ‘oh yes’ to champagne

a happiness accessible to the upper middle class

i knew she enjoyed every second of it

but it was diff erent for me

i didn’t want to go for a walk

the idea seemed profane

with reluctance i put on a jacket and fi nished my drink

it would have been bearable if i had acquired

the habit of the declaiming the composition

in swollen tone mid-literary emphasis

less interest

a signal being complicit

for the purpose, i imagine

even more regrettable

i have lived a lot worse

hell, the return to

hell, built at convenience

at the request of others,

i put out a cigarette

in a garden of hydrangeas

i hate this building and

i hate this neighborhood

but i immediately fell in love with you

i point this out intentionally

i lock myself in the bathroom

perhaps i am bourgeois, too

drawing revenge for the rent

no matter the country

no matter the culture

a luxury exists to be explained

rarely rising before noon

never there when i return

in short,

it would be enough to be organized

i guess you could say that

kissing always welcome

no regrets

no shame

no mention of it

the word is strong,

the matter urgent

i have never fucked as much in my life

which made me think she was in love with me

perhaps an error of analysis

but not a mistake

a quick internet search

a new plan for liberation

the profi le of an average defendant

on the other hand,

here are some things that i liked

“humiliated motherfuckers”

a great title for your dostoevsky trash

curiously enough,

i did not expect much

various people break off in an unpredictable way

the other end of the world without changing cities

solutions like that struck me

i spend my night on the internet

more and more convinced

i was meeting my destiny

“to come and to go”

the abandonment of family was not a crime

keeping it fundamental is fundamental to me

everything kept in a separate account

amounting to not much

affi rmative,

desolate,

complicit,

modest

i had noticed

i had invented fi ction

it was necessary to be realistic

while we still were having a good time

you press my hand

no matter which path we take

in less than a day,

i was canceled without a trace

rebellion of moral conscious

as described by a playwright

how original

i was gone for good

i would never come back

the acquired sensation

of an unadulterated product

the beauty maintained

by infi nite artifacts

i count ways to be considered immortal

but i stop at nine

i count eighteen diff erent creams and lotions in the bathroom

an obsession for maniacs

with a superior mouth

ipso facto deprived of action

authentic

taken without diffi culty

giving pleasure without distinction

into a state of narcissistic intoxication

cursed artists

cultural decision makers

rather young

rather beautiful

rather elegant

rather rich

it is diffi cult to fi nd the words

‘that’s life’

i off er a clarifi cation on love

as it may be misunderstood

based on attitude and behavior

lovable = love

in radically diff erent realities

love = power

imposing natural phenomena

love at fi rst sight

eliminating all traces of previous individuals

passion and pleasure demanded

until death

the body, the soul

almost a detail

infi nity

this infi nity

this glorious infi nity

even if i ignore the other joys

sex remains dangerous

a necessary condition

stillless

catholic identity spends the night

a strange aberration

identical movement and reluctance

my refl ection deepens

without being excessive

coldly objective judgment by

short lived circumstance

virility and vanity had suff ered

our verbal exchange lasted longer

it was then i understood

in a fraction of a second i understood

the other words of an absence of love

immense

bright white

annihilates me in clear conscious

google does not intervene at this stage

i would forget it very quickly

she remained a woman

i remained a cat

i had a bad night

an interpretation of this stupid but spectacular dream:

escape quietly

i place the keys in an envelope

like you might see in a fi lm

no letter

no picture

no proof

just 1100 grams of macbook air

there was indeed a solution

for romance

when confronted with a case of genuine love

you should just shut your mouth

your gestures

your sighs

exclusively for me

i surrender

a hypothetical, hypothetical heaven

a rapidly evolving

crazy love story

often proving fatal

wishing to hold hands

until the end

our history

our browser history

nothing disappears

at exactly seven o’clock

i crossed the room without making a noise

now deserted thoroughfares

southeast of no importance

‘the happy hour’

green hell,

malibu,

vodka,

milk,

pineapple juice,

creme de menthe

a desire for synthesis

before asking for my visa

it’s clear i occupy too much space

safe from other needs

without relatives

without friends

without interest

profoundly disappointed in life

experienced on the sentimental plane

i could make a fresh start

i could bounce back

at the bottom of the list

of reasons to live,

more reasons to die

was i able to be happy?

i didn’t think i was able to be happy

was i able to be happy?

it is better to avoid asking yourself

this kind of question

do-not-disturb

do-not-interfere

nothing superior

in my truly urban life

am i really that unhappy?

if asked about my mood

i wouldn’t say a sad-sadness

but a peaceful, stabilized sadness

that could not be increased or diminished

we could consider it defi nitive

still, life holds many surprises

by most standards

things aren’t that bad

all the problems that belong to me

have solutions

except this anxiety thing

more attention and care

one-to-two-weeks

to feel the fi rst eff ects

mockingbirds, cherries

new generation antidepressants

no, death doesn’t interest me

after all,

a lizard doesn’t trust other lizards

and

what self esteem could an amoeba possess?

the conclusion was confused and approximate

even showering felt violent

what drove me here?

was it vitamins or long dark hair?

drugs that work (or not)

love develops on the basis of

certain diff erence

we speak the same words

intended to understand

unconditional and sustainable

the last and most serious love

defi nitely

the last and most serious love

charming, charming, charming

me, the strong urge to sneeze

to burst

not a tropical disease

i just close my eyes

until the feeling escapes me

a very little weight compared

to the goodness of the heart

at the end of a dusty summer afternoon

one could feel the stains

simply wash away

turn to me, smiling

tell me you love me in french

tell me you love me

“stay like two,

i beg you.

stay that way,

that’s all we’re going to do”

the story can’t end here

the last few seconds exaggerated

tell me you love me in french

tell me you love me

tell me

in particular

her voice sounds like an answering machine

we always end up interested in the expense

not again,

never again

dissatisfi ed

historical conditions are simply not met

maybe i don’t care

maybe i don’t know

not seeking to conceal the diff erence

i don’t want to fuck and

i don’t want to be fucked

“glossy eroticism”

crossed by the irresistible urge

to fuck you

that’s what happens in our daily life

a road block

nihilism greeted with enthusiasm

i was conscious of being more delicate

documenting good lies

borrowing elements from reality

this concept of praise

where i found myself

i had an ideal and i was betraying it

there was no question

the opposite must be done

like amateur porn

if absolutely nothing new

an appropriate mix of

professionalism and enthusiasm

not disturbed by meaning

the idea had come to me

it was not a question of organizing

but a tourism of memory

the imagination on the table

rendezvous infi nitely reproducible

i am speaking about the past

i am lucky, it is not the same

it was dead, it would never be the same

suicide, i mean

i’m not considering

but sometimes god was

a little slow to remind me

deep inside

that’s what i thought

there was no clean break between us

no defi nitive clean break

too much extra work

i had never thought everything was said

i’m ashamed to re-think

remarkable hindsight

in the eyes of a greek philosopher

epicurean, stoic, cynical

i forget which one

which was rare enough to be emphasized

in the space of a few minutes

i began to wonder if this was a good idea

not leading to anything positive

only to awaken

feelings of bitterness and disappointing

which we had, after a lapse of years

more or less succeeded in burying

life was bitter and disappointing

we both already knew that

was it worth the taxi and the bar tab

to get an extra confi rmation?

what would become of you?

probably nothing brilliant or

i would have already known

myself,

my facts and failures

were less well-defi ned despite

feeling like a failure so far

this is how i see it

a meeting of two losers

and former lovers

with the appropriate actors

it could be a great scene

in a french fi lm

i arrive

a painful reminder of the promise of happiness

which has frustrated your life

a more realistic thought:

it’s probably the same state

every day at the same time

so you haven’t changed at all

nothing has worked out

trembling more and more

you drink fast

and you?

a burden living like that

on a sentimental level

the words work magic

marinating in ample female meditations

readjusting me discreetly

again, i white-wine wonder

there must be something other than sex

or no, it was scary to think

there was only sex

“massive doses”

of antidepressants

it’s the tokyo approach

it was probably already written for this reason

we live under the infl uence of uncertainty

the path that we made fallaciously,

not every day is raining

coincidences are the winks of god

returned to photo albums

without a new start

something short, semi-sheer

should i say something else

in this jail

i stick to instant coff ee

one forgets happiness

that’s fate for ya

the opposite of what you want

wanting to know more

in some ways, the resentful gestures seduce me

i forgot to tell you, my love

i have very little luck

i was in no position to save anyone

i just have green tea

and fraternal compassion

and a longing to stick my nose

in the con of death

certainly, you’ll die alone

certainly, you’ll die unhappy

but you will certainly not die poor

to each according to his needs

a source of fi ghting when put into practice

my fate had been noticeably softened

i had to develop a long-term addiction

from time to time

a promise to act without delay

my google search history

not very useful, not very bad

still, progress pounding on two wheels

still, i want to smash everything

i fi nd it diffi cult to remember names and faces

i never think about anybody for more than a minute

all the blues were softened

by the time we arrived

perhaps this was our geographical destiny

a place to serve as a frame

from beginning to end

a temporary look

her indiff erence occupying

a whole section of the wall

i have the impression you don’t believe it

i don’t know, what gives you that idea

marked with tension

marked with pain

it was obviously a diffi cult day

it was a mistake

but not a very serious one

this was overdue

after all

it’s what happens at the end that counts

your sentimental side is showing

we go under the serene sky

the same bright blue you knew

the more i try to do things right

the less i get out of it

who can respond to that?

the situation seemed unlikely to improve

it was diffi cult for me to talk

because i forgot which side i was on

i left under a brilliant sunday sun

which contrasted with my increased sadness

it seemed surprising to me to remember my sadness now

we would like there to be premonitions or signs

but in general there are none

nothing on this

sunny dead sunny afternoon

nothing would let me predict

that monday morning would be

the beginning of the best years of my life

i have to approach this diff erently

november noticeably sadder

that vital stake had already been fi xed

i had no reasons to leave

but it’s already, in itself,

a serious reason

to confess one’s absolutely loneliness

is not so easy

i begin to think of diff erent destinations

where loneliness is not only normal

but recommended

yes, let’s go back

before this

this being the best solution

i was going to learn

i had no desire to see a psychiatrist again

excuse me, it’s a bad habit

i’m the fi rst at a disadvantage

for the depressive, it’s often fatal

if you’re forgetful or stupid

easily fooled

a certain amount for a certain time

the problem with you is the problem of you

you cannot stop abruptly

if it must happen you must know

desire,

everything disappeared inside us

the idea of kissing me seems absurd

my manifestation of love

destroys itself and regenerates

it doesn’t really concern me

i made the mistake but

whether or not it was a mistake

remains to be seen

i’ll only know at the end

it’s true, the end is approaching

but it is not yet

no, not quite yet

i wandered without language

only imprecise ideas memorized

a kind-of extra life

you run towards me

at the limit of your lung capacity

we were together

the idea of life, living

didn’t exist

no longer existed

it doesn’t make sense to talk about it

i know happiness

i mean, i know what it is

and what i lack in speech

healthy romantic violence

is me missing you

one person missing you

one misses the other

perfect for the purpose of

reducing the wear and tear of time

absolutely nothing can reach us

except internal suff ering

the disintegration of self

yet my body behaves for you

i did not derive any pleasure from my loneliness

not from the free functioning of a predicted spirit

in principle the question is solvable without hassle

without dangers

no matter how much you tell me otherwise

not romantic

you leave me with nothing

just a perpetuation of lack

a call to oblivion

i need love and love in a very precise form

i need love exactly

in general

in particular

i need a cat

remove me from your thoughts

at the same platform at the same station we stood on

sunny something morning

seven or nine years ago

i don’t know

the situation in itself was strange

it is important, however,

not to exaggerate the importance of chance

the same thing would have happened

if we met somewhere else

but it turns out it happened here

the sharpness of my perception has increased markedly

which constitutes a case of bizarre precognition

i thought of herbs and of plants with yellow fl owers

names of which i had forgotten

she looked at me

i looked at her

absolutely everything

i felt so calm

calm that i have never known

i nodded like a happy idiot

but she showed no reaction of impatience

or surprise at my stillness

it had been a year since i noticed the morning sun

the sky blue unreal turquoise

she gave me a strange look

diffi cult to interpret

a mixture of incomprehension

and a kind of compassion

living together

justifying the obvious

it rains here most of the time

but the view is just you

who else did i have patience for?

hesitating to sleep

holding back to the ultimate last second

knowing the night will be sweet

see you in the morning

see you in my dreams

i do not believe it’s wrong to compare sleep to love

love is just a dream, anyways

small conjunctions amid crossing

any way to transform

our earthly existence to a bearable moment

things did not happen as i expected

the outside world imposed its presence

with it’s brutality

ceaselessly careless

panic and misunderstanding

she knew how to make a demonstration of proof

to make me not forget it

she hugged me, squeezed me

unable to stop crying

we could be benign and happy

it was what you would expect

and it is likely i would remember it

until the end of my days

the memory returns already

every evening and i know it will not stop

it will only increase more and more

suddenly

until death delivers me

we could be benign and happy

it was what you would expect

and it is likely

in general

i didn’t know how to live

i had no familiarity with life

i never really feel like i’m here

i simply echo the conclusion

‘that’s life’

no better, no worse

in this house,

we’d have whatever together

as we’d always have enough

it seems insane now to think

how happy we could be

all expressions empty

in a good way

as soon as possible

everything

days and weeks

i already said that

i know what happiness is

and what constitutes it

i know exactly what that is

getting brutally drunk

drinking ourselves to oblivion

as soon as possible

symptomatic of the dream

we tried to live

shared same traits

the same seriousness

austere

in keeping promises

love remained the only thing

one could still have faith

i certainly did not deserve so much

things take place that should not,

taking place again every day

of course there are exceptions

there are boundless exceptions

the possibility of happiness should exist

i’ll come back to my subject,

which is me

not that i’m particularly interesting,

but i’m the subject regardless

although

i have had the illusion of

being important at a short distance

more ambitious, motivated, smarter

no doubt

holding you by the hand

my brain worked slowly

mistily looking for a formula

true for the fi rst one

obviously false for the second

i adapted to solitary pleasures

long before i stopped looking for my life

i bought hummus,

but hummus was better shared

there are things which we have not had the opportunity to think of

because

nothing happens to me that directly involve you

me, once again talking about

killing myself

always an uncomfortable moment for someone else

she chose me

so i absorbed a family

still, i wish to obscure truths

and to smoke indoors

like all previous generations of me

pretty quickly

we end up not understanding

what we were arguing about

evoking a divinity

tightening ourselves with champagne

i’m a little more bourgeoisie at the bottom

of a wine glass

i think i was well received

agreed, attentive reader?

am i clear about being incomplete?

one last time, for a variable amount of time

these other men

dissolve themselves in a vague

biological and technical continuum

as their way of deciding of a future destination

me, i organize my euthanization quickly

hey, i’m trying to establish balance

better to not contest intuition

i had made a mistake

i had made a huge mistake

hardly an example to be made

time seemed to stretch to infi nity

a miserable hard time to evaluate

while it started to get cold

i had a few years left to think about it

a few years or a few months

i couldn’t be sure

things remain bad

perhaps no news is bad news, too

my interest changed nothing

my enthusiasm keeps me from speaking

meaning someone else can fi nish my sentence

i wasn’t here on a poetic journey

no foolish unbearable lightness of being

air conditioning was the only poetry

i was interested in

i want nothing to eat

nothing seems worthwhile

“i’ll talk to you tomorrow”

in a muffl ed voice

“i hope you have a good night”

trying to be essential

my experience with the tides remained

more than restricted

i didn’t know what to say

i hung up the phone

i realized my choices are fi ne

i had made a good choice

slow progress

the laptop remained bright with the volume turned low

this will certainly help me fall asleep

sleep came

sleep came with funeral dreams

my mind usually wanders towards death

i didn’t need my dreams to remind me, too

my calls resist an echo in the landscape

i had no reason to connect to the internet

contact was a lukewarm at best

i fold papers in four before putting them in my pocket

the birds sing with a charm that escaped me

i was interested in plants, not animals

you drinking vodka,

me preferring chablis

cultural distractions

twisting the knife in the wound

a lost metaphor on me

us no longer kissing

little by little

you leave me

let’s turn this around into a positive

my whining is painful

i’m really stupid

i don’t care

i smile because i can’t help myself

what is it about today, anyways?

the knowledge another life exists

in the end, you never get to take it

slow down, nothings going to hurt you

historically

there was not much to say i was right

a more general, biological doubt

came to me

our destinies were diff erent

but the end seems comparable

you’re diff erent

every time you arrive

you look like a cop

describing surveillance

no, research

i guess the same could be said about me

it’s amazing the trust people have

no password?

who doesn’t use a password?

it’s a promise

i didn’t understand

pretty much

i’ve seen enough

it’s not my danger, anyways

with your arms outstretched to me

one escapes a considerable misfortune

to be replaced by an ordinary one

still, we remain civil

i wouldn’t worry about it

my objective to work in the old way

take your time but

take it

don’t not do it

would i pay for it?

probably yes

according to this logic

we suff er until the end of the day

and do it again

friendship and compassion

a utility

from the onset

the subject hurts

maybe it’s some disease

it’s not like i could just stop loving you

evidence acquits you in this case

but it is of no overall help

half of my value is you

with a mixture of disgust and despair

the imbalance being my permanent state of mind

i’m starting to get tired of it

the terrible thing is that i’m someone

who has done almost nothing useful

in his life

i get up, i get bored

i get drunk, i get bored

an aesthetic perfection

i wish to point out

thirty or forty times

the extent of how we use beauty

calm movements

these rare moments of tasteless agony

coming back to the words

it was probably an illusion

but a beautiful illusion nevertheless

the morning rises

as my problems pay attention

i had this episodic and approximate

vision of life

i could explain in fi ve or so minutes

with shuddering enthusiasm

fi nd your position,

it’s necessary to have proof

take your time,

don’t move

and count your breath

it’s part of the experience

you don’t think about anything

you forget all your worries

embellished admiration

a total abstraction to go back

did anyone have a choice?

you’re good

you’re great

whenever you’re ready

deprived of desires and a reason to live

the terms being equivalent

the anti-depressants were working

i maintained despair at

an acceptable level

sometimes indulging in hope

before answering your own question with a

“no”

however, it persists

and this is a

touching performance

truth being a stupid bird

a seagull

created by convenience

by a just god

and i

can’t

pull the trigger

a fool,

a fox

who does not have the courage to kill

does not have the courage to live

the phrase circled in my head

creating nothing but a trail of pain

i don’t know

i’m not sure

an apologetic look but no excuse

in general

it’s not worth it

i don’t know

probably

probably yes

the idea of ‘symbolic action’

crossed my mind

i was paralyzed with shame

before i fi nished my sentance

nothing happens

but sometimes sometimes happen

we are never fully prepared for it

so, you’ve decided on an action?

i don’t know what prompted me to ask

i didn’t care what the answer was

i’m working on it

we’re working on it

i’m depleted of brilliance

it seems like everyone has stayed indoors

me, as vague as a landscape

no red wine needs

or cheese

i really should interviene

tell me what you think

should i try to do something?

we delayed this conversation

and now that i’m slipping on it

i’m unprepared for a plunge

into the real

i was expecting the objective

confi rmation of disaster

and i had nothing more

to propose to you

i continued

this time with feeling

being at the heart of failure

of my professional life

and of destroying myself

at every occasion

the ideological lock is too strong

“i’m just fi ghting ideas”

it’s crazy what i’m saying

forget it

with temporary and paradoxical optimism

i did not see how to do better

i did not see an absolute

i refused to take it into account

i refused to negotiate

at the end of the day i was always wrong

things always swing towards someone else’s triumph

in conclusion,

i’m fucked

the sky presented a

gradient of candid hues

of a very light blue

nothing dramatic

just tragic advice and

a path of destruction

a brief hesitation

a spiral of annihilation and

never again perceived tenderness

casual

very comfortable

the slowness of an intervention

was the subject of controversy

for having witnessed it

i can say there was no other way

it’s a dead end

a sequence repeated at length

this was the only decision to make

against a background

of black smoke

in retrospect

i think that’s it

the extreme slowness

which provokes nonsense trauma

automatically

ready for anything

i do not understand

i do not understand why

i still do not understand

why things are ending like this

in a tragedy

nothing seems real

synthesized drama

accompanied by mini-narratives

everyone, as usual

condemns violence

something worth paying attention to

me,

i’m an insignifi cant element

a tourist

i don’t want any problems

i just want to leave

exchanging words in a low voice

it remained an analytical rehearsal

“neither angel or beast”

a good motto appropriate for the circumstance

i’m paraphrasing

a sprite sounds good to me

spite?

no, sprite

the absence of sexuality

brought me closer to the angels

but didn’t it also lead me

closer to the beasts?

already the meaning of the original version

escaped me

“i will not commit suicide”

i said with a smile

a smile that said i would, probably,

kill myself

it’s true that in the midst of our dramas

we are assured of the existence of other problems

it’s not the future

it’s the past that kills you

i didn’t see much that could justify

my desired isolation

a time that amounted to less than two years

but i kept stopping

i had the failures of nineteen-year-old girls

an existential confi guration

i never got out of

i’m hesitating to attribute meaning to this

departing from a common morality

altogether

too uncommon

even in the memory of our contemporaries

my desires are infi nitely simple

it was the world around me

which had become too complex

i couldn’t manage

so my behavior became erratic

neither good nor bad

just evasive

things would have to go wrong

until the whole situation

could be reconsidered

we exchange few words and

resume activities

a thing exists

demands to exist

so that situations come together

to fulfi ll the destiny

we discussed earlier

well, yes

the answer is yes

i was gradually becoming aware of it

eventually i will surrender to the evidence

and bend to ‘natural law’

but it would be too late

let’s not talk about it

the only solution is to

just leave

an opportunity arose

i felt no breath, cold

i felt on the verge of something perfect,

liberating, and unique

the mechanisms of misfortune were the strongest

an equation already solved

against my favor

diffi cult to explain

retrospectively

my analysis of the situation seemed

complete and certain

there are still some areas of the human psyche

that remain poorly known

they have been little explored

just paradoxical and absurd formulas

no production of acceptable descriptions

hope beyond all hope

keeps coming back to me

without having personally experiencing this

‘hope’

there was something more

providing less

in an endless collection

this unexpected arbitrary unexpected thing

covering the probably delay

considering the accumulation of mistakes

and mistakes that constitutes one’s life

the hand that decides the dice

studies have shown

though we are never 100% certain

the journey has done me good

impersonal and negative thoughts drift

i could bring myself to penetrate

the atmosphere of disaster

all day

little individual disasters

not contradicting a point of maturity

that i inevitably missed

i guess i was aware of it

mixing anxiety,

compassion, and

professional concern

there was a connection with my situation

a report that seemed distant

uncertain

i didn’t answer

but i took my hands apart

opened my mouth slightly

off ering an expression

of nothingness,

because it says

‘okay’

i seemed to be suff ering from

a vague relapse of nostalgia

fi nal goodbyes?

did i really believe it?

yes, i really believed

i was going to die

that fi nal farewell

we dream almost everyday

nature manifested an absence

leaving only insulting empathy

peaceful,

majestic, and

calm

was it normal?

yes,

i knew that

yes

however

something had changed

in the general atmosphere

a year in which has passed

we were at the beginning of may

an unusual mild month of may

a real prefi guration of summer

i should have felt something like desire

or at least an urge

the season of short skirts

ordering coff ee and comparing love aff airs

however, nothing

radically nothing

just a dosage

of hormonal history

i should be worried

that was probably what was expected of me

well, you’re sad to death

speechless,

but it comes back the same

with people like us

meaning people like me

obliged to play in this comedy of

desire,

pleasure, and

love

and

all of the other things

we want

still, we fuck

it’s not nothing

but if it’s good, it’s better

it takes a minimum of pleasure

to succeed in living

i’m not saying i’m a big supporter of death

a vague gesture, impatient

as if to brush aside a

recurring and stupid objection

but there are some cases

where it is the best solution

“i’m depressed,

i want you to shoot me”

this time i missed the words

chic and sexy was no more

than a myth without consistency

my life, in summary:

“i’m sorry for the inconvenience”

past the stage of my life

of exaggerating suff ering

confrontational surveillance

rendered harmless by nature

i just walk

nowhere

not quite anywhere

the immediate vicinity of nowhere

throwing kisses in reckless abandon

my movements would go unnoticed

raising no comments

a neutrality and politeness

of little importance

everything breaks

before being replaced

i realized i was aging

in a normal fashion

i was, what,

an epicurean philosopher?

a decadent me

the real beginning of my descent

a disappointing period of

conformism

projects i had no intention of fi nishing

why would i read

‘the magic mountain’

now?

who was i trying to impress?

the culture of the world

was of no moral benefi t or advantage

proust concluded

the end existed to be regained

which off ers nothing substantial

simply a waste of time

there is no intellectual conversation

which will help me reach clarity

without harming my poetry

what is a more beautiful poem

than a housecat?

that kitten that made thomas mann crazy?

rihanna fl ashing marcel proust?

deprived of all else

it seems that i accepted the idea of not existing

of course i’d rather be happy

but it was really out of order

at this point

i mean

following my death

those books and photographs

will just end up in the trash

the truth was useless

surgically precise placements and datesuseless

why did i stop to take so many pictures?

it’s a tourist cliche

expecting beauty or meaning

to come through the mundane

therefore,

i did it

i obsessed over expenses

in the midst of confused nothingness

permanently moved by the state of unlimited life

the world turned into a neutral surface

without relief and without attention

goodness had not developed in me

the psychological process had not taken place

i became more indiff erent

simple, if not hostile

i tried to make normal,

standard,

average attempts

to get closer to some people

but nothing materialized

with a humorous attitude

i considered the pleasures of

leaning out the window and abandoning myself

to the action of gravity

with a joking spirit,

of course

hilarious but not absurd

people were dying every second and

they succeeded perfectly

fi rst shot,

no fuss

some even took the time

to write some good words beforehand

it’s a small white oval

i do not create or transform

i translate

providing a new interpretation of life

that is less rich,

more artifi cial, and

more rigid

off ering no form of happiness

not even of mild relief

transforming life into a succession

of formalities

therefore it helps to love

or at least not to die

- for a while

it’s probably faster for those who never belonged to the world

who never thought of living,

loving, or

being loved

always knowing their life was truly not theirs to live

i regret nothing

as the situation is always changing

everything was airy,

extremely clear from the beginning

but we did not take it into account

after all,

aren’t there infi nite possibilities?

i could have made a woman happy

these ideas were in the spirit of time

we did not formalize or taste them

we have contented ourselves with

conforming to them and

being destroyed by them

god looks after us

giving us precise directions

these impulses of love

that fl ow into our breasts

to the point of taking our breath away

extremely clear signs?

these illusions

these ecstasies

inexplicable if we consider our biological nature

i understand today

the point of view of christ

his repeated annoyance

at the hardening of hears

having all the signs and not taking them into account

do i have to be explicit at this point?

is it really necessary that i give my life for these losers?

looks like i do.