the setting is a world where tupac was never killed

i know we will have to write cold weather poems soon perhaps we

will have moved the patio furniture inside at this point and we will

do grocery shopping every two days and we will stay indoors more

often and we will have bought new pillows and a comforter for the

bed and we will do laundry every two weeks - do we drink tea?

i’m tired of paying those late fees but i love the movie store it’s

because i love going to the book store. they’re so close to each other

that and i love the walk yes, whatever it is i’m looking for.

i am fi dgety, it is noticeable is it not? not smoking? i probably have

maybe six cigarettes allowed for the rest of the day as per my ten or

less system. i did good at not smoking after sex last night. no

smoking before bed. very good small steps. i’m going to spend a

lot of money quitting smoking i am going to gain so much weight.

coff ee also sucks now anticipating the shakes. a better future,

wouldn’t that be nice?

nike jordan 1 breds size 9 s/s18 fucking awesome hat one size fi ts

most nudie jeans 29 waist stussy tee medium menrad fmg k12

glasses if you don’t post a photo of the rose you drank at lunch,

technically you didn’t drink it.

you are physically agitated you move around the seat trying to fi nd

a comfortable spot that doesn’t exist. you dab sweat off your palm

with a napkin, which you fold up and toss onto the fl oor. standing

up, trying to fi nd the breeze. when the whateverfi sh crudo arrives

there are less jalapenos than last time. you suggest ice cream after

lunch.

i just know something good is bound to happen. has the bleeding

stopped? i can’t use a knife, i was never taught or i wasn’t paying

attention. i yawn my eyes wander glitter panic i’m so stoked with

nothing happens like a dream. often time, nothing happens in my

dreams. often times, nothing happens. clean and white until my

eyes close, nothing.

i love you i want to die i’ve never seen a wolf in real life.

don’t take that shit, she said, knowing that was not the right thing

to say. also, do you think they have redbull? what time is that

visconti fi lm? do you need anything from the bookstore? and what

we’re missing is something that is $50 an entree.

he won’t pick up the phone at 17%, i don’t want this iced coff ee. so

throw it out. i might want it later. press it, my buttons, dramatic,

sunshine. come on, it’s not like i killed your cat. the back of your

neck. i want to go home. you always want to go home.

oh fuck i need to make more money jail time territory or truth

are you thinking about maybe ordering take out and sitting in the

park. are we not drinking today? should we have vegan acai bowls?

should my iced coff ee sweeten low-blood sugar loyal to real people

i assume everyone thinks they should make more money, wasting

time in a cafe.

it could be a ziplock bag lunch backpack future or maybe everyone

idolizes the suicide-y writer familiarity, get lost! go away! iodine

doom sweat linked time possibly little guilty pressure washed facts

of life - losing your keys at the movie theatre.

next time you make me a latte, i want my milk burnt. you, fl ight

booking maybe greece and also when is our vacation anyways. i

don’t want to change the world, i’m not looking for a new

brunswick - a parent who names their child “colorado.”

the setting is a world where tupac was never killed.

oh, this world.

shut up.

call tiff about your keys. how much kale juice can one man drink

maybe i can stop drinking. then stop smoking. that makes sense. la

camera stylo language. not surprised by this dismissal. the

persecuted bad boy who’s gone too far.

fuck a carbon tax we’ll rent a car next time so we can go alone, or

i’ll get the money somehow. i mean, make everybody smile process

fi lm buy dv tapes rent a car the next time. no foreplay i’m hungry.

no upgrades, sustaining bodily contact. you also need to buy a

netbook or chromebook or macbook air or something. do i want to

read on an ipad for the rest of my life? society, right? but i still need

a vhs player a cassette recorder a new turntable. fi rst person lyric

mode.

the poisonous part of the peach doesn’t exist.

i fucking hate when people complain about smoking or smokers

i’m outside jesus christ endlessly policing other people wait, gabe

how’s your mom? tell her i love her when you gt the chance my god

it’s so hot right by the door. probably by the second date, i mean,

the fi rst date i knew, but the second date i was positive i had always

loved you i just was waiting for you. ok so maybe just one coff ee a

day and no booze or just very little if possible.

that man was so inauthentic in his kookiness. have you ever been

to nice? yeah. what did you see? everything. got money, don’t want

everything. returned with virtue and vice are you thinking of me?

how unnecessary. no longer too young kissing cheeks smoking in

your traveling clothes. i used to sit in cafes only when it rains now

i’m not sure the diff erence between coff ee and red wine mornings.

but i walk i check my steps on the iphone app probably twice a day.

god i hate other people smiling in public, you’re doing it again this

annoying negative tone. the man in tortoise shell glasses maybe fi ve

feet away from me to my right is continually sucking yesterday’s

cocaine back into his throat with a “eeeEEECCcch” i’m familiar

with no allergies. vermentino lovely reading advil still more horrible

i must be in a bad mood but we have dinner reservations at

8:45 and a fi lm to see at 6:15.

he tells a story of a woman was fl irting whatever with him at the

bar you know the one dundas and ossington annoying right and he

gestures to her wedding ring as a way to be like no thank you i see

i’m not trying to get involved with a married woman and she, no

lie, holds her hand up, puts her ring fi nger in her mouth, sucks the

ring off , and SWALLOWS IT!

no way, that defi nitely didn’t happen.

yeah, but it’s a great story for your book.

no, it isn’t. no way that’s ending up in anything i write. in fact, i’ve

already forgotten it.

the year was 1999 -

limp bizkit was telling eleven year old me to break stuff .

i agreed.

my legs need quite a bit of room, despite being short. actually, i fold

them over each other tighty, i just shift my hips in a way that takes

up extra space.

the issue: i need to walk more for mental health.

my iphone conveniently tells me how many steps i’ve walked, provided

my phone is on and in my pocket. it doesn’t really do much

when i’m walking in circles at work. it’s probably a gps thing.

he should work in a hot dog stand, where he can read about the

amniotic fl uids of aliens, is that a thing? well, whatever it is that

he’s been reading. fuck, i forgot these jeans were ripped. right here.

it’s barely noticeable. i notice it. i’m going to have a glass of wine

while you set up the internet, is that ok? i don’t really want it, i just

want something. i only have a new brunswick license, is that ok?

a gmail dot com email account and is this new website going to

be new, even? same source code. diff erent dot com, got it. i suppose

when we have internet i’ll sort it out. wow, we’ll never leave

the house. is that a resolution? oops, i spilled my wine researching

home offi ce solutions and the heaven’s gate religious millenarian

cult.

someone says “sexual exploration” like it’s a destination. like, a new

england. auto erotic asphyxiation.

and are you thinking of photographing again? all those white walls

and you are sure the world is diff erent? egypt dies or someone eats

cake. someone three hundred raps of iambic pentameter richer than

me. a patio of 1 to 9 i can love your few hairs left post waxing put

the book back down and buy lightbulbs and bodywash, i thought.

you gotta see these helmut newton photographs they are just your

taste. beyond the veil, beneath the paving stones. explaining the day

wrong.

i made myself obnoxious thinking and researching food and drink

and i forgot sex and and i forgot what i was doing i was never that

hungry. i very much want to return to work.

a background as reporter, a background in occasional ease. a new

translation: i don’t have enough blood that’s why i’m cold.

from the french.

2010 venezia guilia ribolla radikon. if hellraiser had a daughter.

pinhead? material from a magazine, the cat getting fatter i still love

her. did i bleed through my shorts oh my god i bled through my

shorts. do you know how expensive these are? no, i don’t feel like

tasting these wines right now. ok, yeah, nevermind. fi ve hectare

tempranillo 100 year old vines priorat red wine granite garnache no

sulphites added. maybe food. kalixmoto redwine and coke. endive,

north face, crab claw, tomato and cucumber. good work. ten books

per proposal.

football, no, soccer. three impressions pronouncing the day cursed. i

have made up my mind. generous cause for complaint lots of eff ort

yeah, your plantless vase. f-i-r-e-i-n-c-a-i-r-o. i’ma keep it real with

you chief, this ain’t it. are you hearing this? i am not surprised so i

won’t claim to be. is this exclusive to the world of the visual or no,

wait, what world? swipe right, you’re right. sooner than later eventually

there’s no passion i want you to wait and see maybe.

when is talking ever good? therapy yawning girls in glasses drinking

cava all wrong ideas themselves, each other, me especially. maybe

i’ll do something else. ah, that’s too bad but you’ll be back again

a less emotional time you’re never medicated six months, never,

you’re alone and you want to talk.

remove every trace except you can’t get rid of the cat hair. i need, of

course, more money and to die before you. someone orders steak

tartare because they think it’s fancy, maybe they just like it, maybe

it is. nice place, yeah, a place i like. ask for things and i shall agree, i

go through days fast or cat naps.

little jobs big jobs no jobs, you outlined in the dark. last year, the

summer we met, well, end of summer, i do smell you at sunset. the

tuna crudo arrives at my stomach ache apex not even breathing my

back hurts. no, not really. it just looks good on instagram. please

take a photo for me, lol. maybe it’s possible to perform this ritual

repeated, something, the landscape always expressionist, maybe.

hair c/o paris 1924 or before i took this words and recognized them

as my own. four dada suicides, oh you’ve scared me.

you yawn you yawn a lot you can’t control you being tired even

though you slept, what, 4am-11am that’s a reasonable amount of

time? you didn’t even do much, just lunch and went to the record

store and had coff ee, now you’re sitting in the window waiting for

someone to come in maybe reading a bit of the paris review. it’s

open, but probably on your cell phone. drinking beet juice which

i hear is good for you you googled it. also improves sexual performance,

which could be useful. you watch a woman in a yellow dress

cycle the wrong way in fairly busy traffi c all james brown songs

sound the same, all “owww” again and again. it is quarter after seven

and a couple walks in, breaking my train of thought.

i make a hair appointment for 12:30, tuesday. i remember kissing,

being kissed. i still feel stomach sick i forgot to bring my phone

charger i’m working on a talk piece i’m just writing what i’m

talking.

people seem nervous ordering drinks they unsure of what is perhaps

worth trying or cool, maybe that’s not it maybe it’s all just

unfamiliar i’m just being mean. i spent too many years alcoholic

fl aneur i assumed, part of a better living life but followed, following.

if i seriously study i assume i will die two $800 cheques

monday august 27th how did i spend a thousand bucks so fast my

god. public space to write in but sober, fi fteen portraits of me. i am

sure my eyes graze agnes varda or marker oh did i make plans for

tonight? do i clean the house and rebuild the darkroom and listen

to your new records obsess cinema after dark?

a lack of ambition that great passion passing i’ve been lingering on

whatever work i’ve been unfocused on and yeah the house must be

cleaned tonight and laundry tomorrow as that’s what i’ve put in my

schedule.

i have until september 10th to get my life together organized what

a fucking joke. i just have nothing better to do and i hate the word

“fascinating.” saturday 2pm cancel coff ee to work on the other

collection that’s more important. i’ve been thinking 35mm i yawn

at environmental restrictions is the summer gone slow sugar simple

syrup days and nights until strolling becomes drifting? studying

closeness what can be captured alone talking to myself ? good legs

good ears good eyes psychotic stenographer of the idle canon i used

to say i was a hunter instead of a gatherer when it came to taking

photographs, if i don’t go out i don’t work - maybe that’s how i

write too. new anxiety: unlocked!

italics assisted catalog of the city i can read for another hour

and walk home and keep reading until it becomes pathological

only what i want to read 100 pages at a time, assuring quotas.

the uncomfortable woman from earlier asks me what i’m writing

about: “culture.” my walk home requires a stop at the fruit market,

wednesday pay rent phone bill.

oh honey don’t fl atter yourself guess who got arrested at six am

last night who? a misunderstanding of course embarrassed doing a

crossword puzzle reading hemingway in 2018 i mean you wouldn’t

post that on social media charge your phone again what are your

plans for later? i must buy some pants a new exercise book unhappy

one must suppose the catalyst for behavior simple “diff erence” no,

you’re escapist. mechanical moving useless and claiming prose lulls

in mania my god you’re heidegger in nikes.

reportedly making the worst choices worrying about perfect recreational

drama you can do it single minded temeperature long hair

kissing shoulders and if i hold your neck just right it feels like you’ll

never leave me. this is easy to observe maybe this is the purpose

proof i can’t ignore your topography only crossing the river for

business or love. a stomping man bald breaks my focus as he struggles

to fi nd the washroom la joie du malheur i keep staring outside

experience glance i don’t need to imagine oh i haven’t gone to the

grocery store yet craving morning baked something also arugula. i

spend so much money, ah, i’m ordering steak peach salad instead to

be fair, it sounds amazing. i look at blue jays tv passing and i don’t

care this year i get off ered a photo job i consider it maybe i’ll be in

touch next week setting up a new life with new habits, traditions.

whatever is all grey i keep staring.

i think suicide, i mean, if we are, whatever, linear.

i love piano music and noise i should see if someone wants to get

drinks i should watch a movie and go to sleep i’m trying to remember

events. i need to shave i shave every three weeks and i’m craving

an oatmeal cookie what was i thinking about? high on leaving places

most familiar bad no business i mean no harm, the only person

eating alone prenez soin de vous, no new juice. same bad habits

with nothing to fi nish, this coff ee makes me feel yuck foggy, imagine

me some place with something to do i wouldn’t be doing this

you’re not doing it right why you ever slow down, i want to get off .

safe vulnerable public in public it’s diff erent though, isn’t it? i suspect

organized disaster beta keratin i’m coming to see you but i’m

not moving again, walking in fear of falling down. i’ve nobody to

bother with my bad breath. how how how how how how do i make

this house look like you’ll be happy?

fussy rewarding good bad or the other thing all too much at once

3:55 163 pages deja vu why am i buying furniture without you?

what is important to me, time leisure money thinking, no immediate

responsibilities and no place ambition ill at ease suspicious

headache sunburnt variety cute! feel nothing blurring learned from

wandering secrets, work resolution douleur exquise never enough in

high defi nition.

for as long as i’ve been working i’ve been smoking i can’t imagine

the idea of writing without cigarette breaks, without taking the

break if i can’t focus i might step outside just to remind myself that

there is nothing to see.

xxx